SemiConscious Dot Org

Being a Compendium of Drunkenness, Misanthropy, Eardrum-Shattering Volume…and Librarianship.

Archive for November, 2004

Banana Cream Pie Is The Pie Of War

29 Nov

Those of you still looking for a church to answer all of life’s questions need look no further:
The Holy Church of Pie.

Was the venerated Saint Handey anticipating such a church when he mouthed these sacred words?

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Or was this merely his attempt to elucidate the paradox of Pascal’s Wager…in pie form?

None know the answers to these lofty questions, except the One True Pie. And it ain’t talkin’, on account of I ate it.

Amen.

It’s Barf-Tastic!

24 Nov

Yes, the fine folks who brought us turkey and gravy flavored soda last year are back, with more exciting flavors, including Cranberry Soda, Mashed Potatoes & Butter Soda, Fruitcake Soda, and Green Bean Casserole Soda.

And the company is based right here in Seattle.

Damn, this really is a weird, weird place.

Craziest Christian Of The Year: The Nominees

22 Nov

I thought we had found our winner way back in May, but it appears that these folks now have some serious competition. Last week’s contestant is a strong challenger, but I’m thinking we may have to give the nod to this guy.

This contest is still open. Submit your nominee today! Winners will receive a “Get Out Of Hell Free” card, redeemable upon their next eternal damnation.

UPDATE – 11/23: Wow, that’ll teach me to count my loonies before they’ve hatched. The floodgates are open now! Here’s a women who saved a cheese sandwich for 10 years because she thought she saw the face of the Virgin Mary in it.

Don’t Worry, I’m Still Not Amused

18 Nov

I tried, I really did. I changed the look and content of the site, I tried to lighten up…but I think we all knew it was only a matter of time before I launched into another political tirade.

Today, my mother and sister, along with dozens of students and several priests from the small Catholic college my sister attends, are on their way to Fort Benning, GA, to join the annual protests against the School of the Americas.

When my mother told me about this on the phone last night, I tried to talk her out of it.

Not because I don’t agree with their actions, of course. They are completely correct in their opposition to an agency, run by the U.S. military, responsible for training murderous thugs all over Central America. Nope, I tried to talk her out of it because I think their safety is in danger. I try to tell myself that not even Georgia cops would be craven enough to fire tear gas on a bunch of students and nuns…but after November 2nd, I don’t really believe that.

I tried, in vain, to explain to my mother that this ain’t the 60’s anymore. Our current administration, the party that marches in lockstep with them, and the people who put them in power, do not regard protesters as American citizens exercising their First Amendment rights. Nope, they regard them as criminals, and treat them accordingly. I am worried sick that my 57 year old mother, with her bad back and vision problems, will get nothing more in return for her belief in participatory democracy than a faceful of tear gas, a night (or more) in jail, and a place on some dubious Justice Department “suspected terrorist sympathiser” watchlist.

I told her all this, and they went anyway. My mother and sister have a quaint and touching faith that America is still a democracy, that the voices of ordinary citizens count, and that anybody in this country actually still gives a shit about the death and suffering inflicted on the rest of the world in our name.

Suckers.

Ace Of Squids

17 Nov

The new Spongebob Squarepants movie features a song by Motorhead.

Twenty five years of carefully maintained badass-itude shot to hell in five minutes and fourteen seconds. Good job, Lemmy!

Cthuugle

16 Nov

Cthuugle.com: Search engine of the Elder Gods!

The best place on the web to search for information about those foul beings who ruled the earth for millions of years while mankind was still swinging from the trees, whose unspeakably vile visages appear to us as loathsome demons from our worst nightmares and have the power to turn us mad, and who will one day rise from the Depths and eat all mankind.

Strangely enough, searches for “Dick Cheney” and “George Steinbrenner” failed to turn up any results…

And The Lord Sayeth, “Use The Cat o’ Nine Tails”

15 Nov

Principal at Christian school punishes teens by whipping…himself!

Let me get this straight: the two kids in question were caught kissing girls, so the principal decided he would cure them of this transgression by engaging in homoerotic sadomasochism?

I applaud this awe-inspiring display of pretzel logic. In the spirit of applying Biblical punishments to modern day problems, I would like to officially request that you all stone me.

(UPDATE: Whoops, I just went back and re-read that part of the Bible a little more closely, and it appears that the practice of “stoning” doesn’t actually mean what I thought it did. Never mind.)

Big Baby Jesus, I Can’t Wait

13 Nov

Ol’ Dirty now Pimpin’ Hos in Heaven.

Only the good die young. First Wesley, now Dirt Dog. Why, God, WHY????

Yea, Saint Stewart Has Graced Us With Scripture

13 Nov

This textbook should be required reading for all American high school students.

MARS, BITCHES!

08 Nov

Air Force report calls for $7.5 million to study psychic teleportation!

Hey, it has at least as much chance of actually working as missile defense…

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