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The San-tanic Verses
For 355 long days, he’s been biding his time, making his hit list, checking it four and five and seven hundred times, sharpening his harpoons, and filing his fingernails down to points. In just 10 days, the earth-shaking roar of his rocket sleigh and the grating gnash of his serrated metal teeth will fill the night sky. Those unlucky enough to be caught outside at the time will shit themselves in terror and scurry for cover like cockroaches, but they will be Doomed. With GodJesus, his merciless robotic ally, at his side, Santa Claus will scour the earth for victims, howling for blood and vengeance, his hour come round at last.
There are some who whisper, in the hushed tones common to those acquainted with Constant Fear, that The Kringly One already walks among us. As we all know, Santa’s appetite for human flesh is prodigious, and reports have begun to filter in of his ceaseless attempts to lure the unsuspecting to their grisly deaths. Since most of these reports originate from such fanciful-and-probably-made-up places as Palau, Tajikistan, Uruguay, and Texas, they are hard to confirm.
If you are unlucky enough to cross Santa’s path after dark, we have no useful advice for you. He will kill you three times before you hit the ground. If, however, you meet him during the daylight hours, you might stand a chance. The most important thing to remember is that you should not, under any circumstances, make eye contact. He will interpret this as a challenge, and will become very angry, leaping around and gibbering and beating his chest and throwing feces. You should also resist any and all offers of “presents.” Even if Santa offers you drugs, do not be fooled. It is merely a ruse designed to get you into his sleigh, where every seemingly solid surface hides spring-loaded, rotating knives.
If you follow these simple guidelines, you should stand at least a 50/50 chance of making it through the holiday season without being killed and eaten. We hope you’ve enjoyed this special encore Fox News presentation of “Santa Claus: Death From Above!”
