SemiConscious Dot Org

I can hardly contain myself! In two short days, our Dear Leader will take the oath of office for his second term, an event that will kickstart three days of uber-expensive soirees. Now, there are some people who will try to tell you that the concept of a President throwing himself a $40 million dollar partay while the nation is at war, hundreds of millions of dollars in debt, and facing the world’s worst-ever humanitarian disaster in South Asia, is just obscene. We have a name for those types of people. They’re called “goddamn Commies.”

Other people might try to tell you that the administration’s decision to pass tens of millions of dollars in costs onto the cash-strapped District of Columbia, and tell them to take it out of their Homeland Security budget, is cheap and stingy. Wrong, wrong, wrong! This administration is most manifestly not cheap and stingy; just ask Armstrong Williams!

Anyway, the intent of this post was not to bandy words with bleeding-heart bedwetters. No no, it was to announce that, thanks to my network of highly placed contacts within the Bush Administration, I have obtained a copy of the lyrics to the Official Theme Song of the Inaugural Ball!

I’m ever upper class high society
God’s gift to ballroom notoriety
I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
The social pages say I’ve got
The biggest balls of all

Oh, I’ve got big balls
I’ve got big balls
And they’re such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he’s got big balls
And she’s got big balls
But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all

Interestingly enough, the theme song (full lyrics here) was not, as one might naturally assume, written by Toby Keith, or even by an American. No, those profound, touching words were penned by the late Australian existentialist philosopher Bon Scott way back in 1975.

Scott, sadly, is not here to see his words achieve their utmost expression; he choked to death on his own vomit a few years after composing them. Truly, a cautionary tale if ever there were one. Thank Jeebus our Dear Leader had the courage and fortitude to win his own battle with the Demon Alcohol before he went and did anything stupid to put other people’s lives at risk.