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To The Ramparts, Cascadians!
Many of you no doubt noticed, in the dark days immediately following November 2nd, a picture showing up all over the left side of the blogosphere. Perhaps a friend even forwarded it to you:
At first, I too was momentarily seduced by the prospect of secession from Jesusland and annexation by our neighbors from the North. But upon further reflection, my ardor waned. After all, would we really be any better off? Sure, ‘Murrica likes its invasions and its wars and shit, but you just know those crafty Canadians harbor their own imperialist ambitions. If you listen very, very closely, you can hear them up there in Ottawa, cracking their knuckles, their beady little eyes squinting and heads flapping maniacally, as they hungrily eye Eastern Siberia on one coast and Greenland on the other. How long before the Canadian bombs rain down on Kamchatka and Nuuk?
And besides, do we really want to be part of the same country as Winnipeg? (Think “Indianapolis with eight feet of snow on the ground.” How’s that for a mental picture?) And do we really want to relearn all the high school French we gleefully forgot three seconds after graduation, just to appease those wine-sucking snobs over in Quebec?
I say no! We shall not leave one gang of crazed imperialists, merely to be swallowed whole by another. We shall chart an independent course! We shall escape! And how fitting it is that today, the day after the guy who wrote memos legitimizing torture and called the Geneva Conventions “obsolete” and “quaint” was all but rubber stamped to be our next Attorney General, I would stumble upon a website that would make the nature of that escape clear to me:
(Incidentally, after Cascadia secedes, we will be mounting a 50 foot electrified fence along our borders, to keep all you American and Canadian rabble out. Nothing personal, you understand.)
