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February: The Month Of Suck
Yea, and the torment is upon us again.
Damn, do I hate February. February is like the Tuesday of the year. (July and August, of course, being the weekend.) The start of this wretched month is the surest sign that you’ve taken your annual running pratfall over the metaphysical line that separates Suck from Not Suck. All the holidays are over, and there’s no more federally mandated three day weekends until May. The weather is ass; no matter where in the country you live, February is the coldest month. Everybody’s sick of winter by February, but winter is far from over… especially this year, when Pennsylvania Ave George came out of his hole long enough to see his shadow, thereby guaranteeing six more years of war.
Nothing fun happens in February, everybody is cranky, and smackdab in the middle of the month is Valentine’s Day, a holiday invented for the express purpose of making single people feel like shit. The only good thing about this crappy month is that it’s the shortest. In just 28 days it will be March, home to St. Patrick’s Day, the holiest day of the year (even if those bigoted jerks in Washington persist in discriminating against Irishmen and other drunks by not recognizing it as a federal holiday, damn and blast them all to hell.)
The only cool thing about February is that it’s Black History Month. But, even in this, the Powers That Be were cruel. Whose idea was it to stick African Americans with the shortest month of the year to celebrate their history? I sense a nefarious plot somewhere in this; but then again, I sense nefarious plots in everything not of my own doing.
Had I not already used up all of this year’s Cosmic Mulligans, I would invoke a couple of them right now: First, to transfer Black History Month to a full, 31 day month (like, say, May); and second, to fast forward the clock to that month. Yes, it should be May right now. May is the best month of the year…in fact, the Best Month Ever.
(??Please note: the fact that my birthday is in May had nothing to do with the preceeding statement.??)
