SemiConscious Dot Org

So, once again, February 14th has rolled around; a day infamous for enriching greeting card companies while simultaneously causing near-suicidal despair amongst the hordes of Those Not Getting Any. But why be glum, chum? You just need to break yourself out of the conditioning, man. Don’t think of Valentine’s Day as a day to obsess over the fact that no one loves you or ever will; think of it, instead, as a day to spend in pursuit of a far more valuable and worthwhile endeavor: anonymous hookups with drunken strangers.

There, you feel better now, don’t you? I knew you would; it’s always better to be proactive then reactive. Unfortunately, as the leader of a cult with millions of sheeplike followers, I am the wrong person to be offering practical hookup advice. After all, due to my exalted position, women are constantly throwing themselves at me, as well as at the other members of the Church hierarchy. (Forget what that asshole librarian said a few weeks ago. Believe you me, we get all kinds of strange. He’s just jealous because we rejected him for membership.)

Since I have to expend absolutely no effort whatsoever to get all the lovin’ I want, I understandably can’t offer you any useful advice on hooking up with drunken strangers. I can, however, point you in the direction of those who can:

If you’ve ever tried, “Say, let’s fuck!” you’ll know that it’s not the winning strategy it appears to be. At first glance it seems to have all the elements of a great pick-up line: it tells the girl you’re interested and suggests a fun romantic activity you can both enjoy. The problem? No innuendo.

Women hate direct statements. A popular line, “I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?” has had a far better success rate. You’re not saying exactly what you want to do, but there’s just that chance that it involves your genitals. This drives women wild.

When using innuendo, be careful that you’re not being too subtle, or you won’t be flirting at all. You’ll just be having a conversation, which is pointless. This is why after I’ve used innuendo and waggled my eyebrows, I usually like to add, “I’m talking about fucking.”

(link via DRT )

So you see, kids, all is not lost. You have a task set before you, a goal if you will, as well as some practical steps to follow in pursuit of that goal. Now get out there and score with some drunks! Jeebus knows, it’s better than actually attempting to form a (yurgh) meaningful relationship involving feelings and emotions. Feelings are for chumps.

You’re welcome.