SemiConscious Dot Org

The nattering nabobs all said it would happen one day, but I never believed them. Alas, it’s coming true right before our horrified eyes. Long has Dear Leader’s war effort been bolstered by the 101st Fighting Keyboarders, that fearless band of conservative pundits and warbloggers who compensate for their lack of desire to actually fight in a war they loudly support by denouncing its opponents as traitors to America.

But, sadly, it looks like three-plus years of pitched keyboard battle against the insidious forces of Reason and Common Sense have taken their toll. Many of these brave, brave pundits are dropping out of the fight:

Declining rates of reenlistment among right-wing pundits are forcing units on the home front in the War on Terror to operate at partial strength, limiting their effectiveness, say media sources. Factors such as long tours of duty, fierce and costly battles against a ruthless and evil enemy, and carpal tunnel syndrome have taken a severe mental and physical toll on the conservative punditry, and many pundits are opting not to enlist for second or third tours. There are rumors that a draft may be necessary to ensure that cable news, talk radio and the blogosphere have sufficient manpower to defeat the terrorists and their liberal allies.

If this manpower drain continues unabated, we are headed for catastrophe! Without a steady supply of shrill, bloviating right-wing pundits to distract their attention, people might actually notice that we’ve spent 1,469 American lives and over $300 billion in taxpayer money in Iraq to turn it into a Shiite theocracy. That would be just awful for Dear Leader’s approval ratings. It must be avoided at any cost!

Thank Jeebus we still have Colonel O’Reilly on the front lines. His smokescreens are truly a wonder to behold. After all, it’s not the revelations of prison torture at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo that are hurting America’s reputation abroad; nope, it’s the damn media that reports those revelations! They’re all traitors! Bravo, Colonel.

But a few other members of the 101st are not holding up their end of the smokescreen. I’m looking at you, General Hume! Stop wasting time lying about Social Security and get back to lying about the war. Priorities, people!

I know it’s been a long, hard fight, soldiers. And I applaud your superhuman strength and stamina; any ordinary person would have suffered a brain hemorrhage months ago, if forced to crank out the kind of jabbering bullshit you guys can churn out in your sleep. But this is no time to break down. Wingnuttia needs you as never before!

And for Christ’s sake, someone get The Emperor a towel.