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Instant Traitor: Just Add HTML
How long, O Lord, how long? America sure seems chock-full of America-haters these days. From former Presidents to the AARP, the ranks of treasonous Fifth Columnists grows by the minute. I am but one man, and the self-appointed task of exposing all the flag-burning weasels within our borders is a daunting one. Sure, I was the person who brought to light the insidious Clinton/French plot to aide the invasion of America by capitalism-hating creatures from the Saturn moon Titan… but who knows how many other Fellow Travelers have slipped past my nets?
Thankfully, David Horowitz has provided a database of liberals and other traitors; a handy “one-stop shopping” center where one can fill up a cart full o’ Commies. If you’ve ever said to yourself, “Self, I just know Jay Leno and Barack Obama and Howard Dean and Bruce Springsteen are working overtime to sell out their country to the Islamofascists, but I need proof, darn it!” then this is the place for you.
However, this database only chronicles famous traitors to America, ones who are easy to spot anyway. How can I find the traitors all around me in my everyday life? My first idea was to simply administer this handy Treason Quiz to my friends and relatives, and carefully inspect the results. However, this method is inherently unreliable, as the truly clever Taliban-coddler will most likely lie, telling me what I want to hear and thus protecting their cover.
“If only there was a way to easily and effortlessly generate screeds accusing people of being traitors, without that tiresome need for objective evidence!” I thought to myself. (After all, Drudge never lets quaint fripperies like the “burden of proof” stop him from posting stories, so why should I?) And, lo and behold, the answer to my prayers arrived like manna from heaven: R.Robot, the First Self-Writing Weblog! Simply punch in the name of the person you want to slander, and out pops a computer-generated right-wing tirade branding that person an enemy of America!
I’d be willing to bet money that this is how Ann Coulter writes her columns.
