SemiConscious Dot Org

As those of you not living under a rock have no doubt already heard, Pope John Paul II is dead. Today’s post will not concern itself with a retrospective on the man and his times; the blogosphere is rife with those already. No, we shall concern ourselves today with a more practical matter: the election of his successor.

The media is all a-twitter with speculation on this matter. Indeed, some enterprising Irish bookies are even taking bets on the leading contenders. Although he is currently listed as a longshot at 7-1, Cardinal Ratzinger is the current clubhouse favorite over at Jesus’ General.

For those of you without a Vatican scorecard, that would be this guy:

Our other major darkhorse contender is, of course, Giblets. While Giblets would naturally be our preferred candidate in most years, his stated agenda of “at least two Holy Wars per year and the ensquashification of Denmark” causes us a profound ethical dilemna… namely, how would the enaction of his agenda make us (specifically, me) rich? It wouldn’t, that’s how!

Therefore, we (meaning I) would like to throw our (meaning my) hat into the Papal race.

However, in spite of the fact that you all unconditionally love and revere me and hang on my every word, I wouldn’t want you to vote me to the Papacy out of blind faith. Thus, I present to you my Papal Platform:

1. Free ice cream for everybody!
2. The mitre shall be immediately replaced as Official Papal Headgear by the Boston Red Sox cap (who shall, henceforth, be known as the “Boston God Sox”; rooting against them shall be considered a mortal sin, punishable by stoning.)
3. All believers shall receive one (1) Get Out Of Hell Free Card, redeemable at your next eternal damnation
4. Those who sincerely surrender their hearts to Nixon shall be granted x-ray vision and fiery laser breath to smite unbelievers
5. All Church services shall be no more than three (3) minutes in duration, and shall be followed immediately by beer, pool, darts, and games of Naked Twister

For more of my groovy platform, see the dogma page.

Obviously, the choice before you is all too clear. Do you really want one fifth of the world’s population to be ruled by Pope Giblets or Pope Skeletor? Of course not! In these dark times, you need a Pope you can trust... or at least bribe. I hope I can count on your eternal support! Who’s with me?