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I’ll Be Waiting For You in Heaven…With a Gun.
Well, children, it’s all over but the Inquisitioning: After surprisingly short deliberation, Cardinal Ratzinger has been named the new Pope. Earlier in the day, there were some rumors that Giblets had wrested the throne of St. Peter away from Ratzinger by besting him in single combat, but these rumors have since been proven false. Despite feelings of bitterness over my own failed campaign for the Papacy, I feel we should take the high road and offer congratulations to the new leader of over a billion Catholics, Pope Skeletor I.
As the risk of repeating ourselves, that would be this guy:
In the harsh, cleansing, self-critical introspection that oftens accompanies the failure of a major endeavor, I have analyzed the smoking ruins of my Papal campaign, and decided to place the blame squarely where it belongs: WITH ALL OF YOU. Yes, YOU, my erstwhile “followers,” are entirely to blame for my failed takeover of the Roman Catholic Church.
Ooooo, so you wanted a “controversial” Pope, did you? Ratzie is such a badass, huh? You looked at his 23 years as head of the Inquisition and his condemnations of divorce and women in the priesthood and his characterization of homosexuality as an “intrinsic evil” and his polarizing effect on an already splintered Church and you got all weak in the knees. You swooned like a bunch of little schoolgirls. You…you…you groupies.
If it was “controversy” you wanted, how could you not vote for me? What would be more controversial than a non-Catholic pope? Not to mention that I favored replacing Communion wafers with Jello shots, building the Vatican its very own nuclear arsenal, and launching space missions to Mars to evangelize the microbes that might live under the Red Planet’s polar ice cap? Forget “fetuses have souls” or “sperm cells have souls;” single-celled organisms have souls!!! Untold billions of these extraterrestrial protozoans have already been damned to the pits of Hell for never having heard the Word of God! HOW MANY MORE MUST BURN???
You could have had a true conservative heading the Church for the next fifty years….but noooooo, you had to go ahead and elect a wishy washy milquetoast pantywaist liberal to the Papacy. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. As for me, I need to work off some of this frustration in a positive, constructive, Christian way. There will be new bloody heads on the battlements by tomorrow morning, I promise you. My vengeance will be swift and terrible!
