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Call My Broker and Sell All My Shares of Gog
As regular readers of this site know, we maintain a healthy interest in the Rapture. Not because we think Jesus is coming back, of course, but because we harbor a forlorn hope that fundamentalist Christians are right: ie, that they suddenly will all be Raptured off to Heaven, leaving the rest of us behind to party and keep all their stuff.
Therefore, one can readily imagine the pleasure with which we discovered The Rapture Index: a sort of New York Stock Exchange ticker of End-Times tribulations. These industrious folks monitor worldwide news for stories related to any of 45 “hot button” issues, ranging from “Beast Government,” “Antichrist” and “False Prophet” to “Civil Rights” and “Drug Abuse.” Each category is assigned a rating of 1-5, depending on how dire the news in that area is, and the ratings are added together to produce what the site owners dub “The prophetic speedometer of end-time activity.”
Sadly for those of us who would like to see the deal go down with all possible speed, today’s Rapture Index is a mere 145, barely above the lowest daily number for this year. While such categories as Debt and Trade, Apostasy, and Arms Proliferation are enjoying robust highs, the “Big Three” evils of Satanism, Supernatural, and Liberalism are all at historic lows. This distresses us greatly, but rather than mope over humanity’s inability to bring about Armageddon, we intend to do something constructive; namely, contribute our own Rapture-related stories, in the hopes of getting these numbers back up and speeding the process along.
First, the Bad News:
Astronomers now say that asteroid predicted to hit Earth in 2029 will miss us. The article says that, had the asteroid hit us, it’s big enough to “devastate an area the size of Texas.” Any chance we could gravitationally divert it to actually hit Texas? Just thinkin’ out loud, people.
Scientists report first success in effort to invent cold fusion. This is especially distressing to us, since we Nixonites intended to parlay our monopoly on Faith-Based Fusion into tremendous political and financial power in the post-Peak Oil wasteland world of the future. Damn you, scientists! You’d better not perfect this cold fusion to the point where it puts out more energy than it consumes, or we shall wax righteously pissed!
Ok, enough of those Gloomy Gusses pissing on our Rapture. Now for the Good News:
Rain of Frogs in Serbia! Nothing like a good “raining animals” story to lead things off in style. Rapture-riffic!
British plan to “solve” their nuclear waste problem by burying it for 1000 years and letting someone else deal with it! Ah, the time-tested “Bart Simpson Approach” to nuclear waste management.
Experts fear that a new killer flu strain could cause a worldwide epidemic! (“Paging Stephen King, we have a “Trips” on the phone for you, a “Captain Trips…”)
And, last and most horrible of all:
Pink Floyd reunites for a concert this summer! 60-something prog rockers kick out the jams! Oh god, the horruh, the horruh!
Well, there you have it: two anti-Rapture stories, compared with four that indicate it’s just around the corner, for a net Index increase of two. We’ll expect to see the number bumped up to at least 147 by the time tomorrow’s numbers are released. So get to it, there’s work to do! All that War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death ain’t gonna spread itself, people!
