SemiConscious Dot Org

Um, it’s an honor to give ten thousand dollars. Especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
– Homer Simpson

Though these stirring words were first uttered in February of 2000, they rocketed Mr. Simpson to the top of President Bush’s list to head the Corporation for Public Broadcasting in September 2003. When apprised by his advisors that Mr. Simpson was, in fact, a fictional character, Dear Leader quickly and decisively changed course. Shortly thereafter, board member Kenneth Y. Tomlinson was promoted to presidency of the board.

Mr. Tomlinson is of special significance this week, as the Republican Congress begins efforts to reign in the nefarious liberal indoctrination machine that is PBS. This organization is a veritable Maoist Fifth Column in our midst that must be stopped! How dare they use taxpayer money to fund the insidious idea that lesbians are people too? Thank Jeebus that Dear Leader’s handpicked Secretary of Education shamed those godless Reds into pulling the show before it warped fragile little minds!

Since it looks increasingly like insufficiently obedient Republicans may be swayed into restoring some of the lost funding for the 2008 fiscal year, we may be unable to put into practice the Holy Words of Saint Norquist and “drown it in the bathtub.” However, we can still do the next-best thing and turn PBS into the mouthpiece of conservative propaganda it was originally envisioned as…and Kenneth Tomlinson may be our instrument in this Godly endeavor!

Make no mistake about it: PBS as currently constituted is a nest of Trotskyites. Otherwise, why would they feature that objectively pro-Saddam America hater Bill Moyers? Never mind that Moyers doesn’t actually work there anymore, or that the network recently gave a right-wing magazine editor a public forum in which to trash Moyers. Never mind that William F. Buckley had a PBS show for 33 years, that The McLaughlin Group has been giving a national platform to the Pat Buchanans and Bob Novaks of the world for 23 years, and that the network recently hired Tucker Carlson and the Wall Street Journal editorial board to produce programs. Don’t you understand? This is just CPB’s cover to lull us to sleep!

But, into the breach steps our brave warrior Tomlinson. His noble efforts so far have included hiring an outside consultant to “monitor” the political leanings of guests on the politics show NOW ; hiring the White House Director of Communications as a senior staff member; and lobbying to have a former Republican National Committee chairwoman named as CPB’s next president. Sure, he also hired Republican lobbyists at taxpayer expense to fight a bill giving individual stations more representation on the CPB board, and he told an extensive series of teensy little fibs, including saying that he had prior approval to hire the “monitor” when he actually didn’t.

To this we say: big whoop. This is a war, people, and you go to war against leftist agitprop with the army you have. So sayeth Saint Rummy in regards to the war against Islamo terrorists, and it’s just as applicable in the war against the lib’rul terrorists at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. May his work hasten the day when PBS finally produces the kind of programming that the Homer Simpsons of the world would be proud of. Glory!