SemiConscious Dot Org

Huge crack in the earth opens in Texas.

Geologists said Tuesday the crack was a joint in the earth’s crust. They believe the opening is the result of a weak point in the joint where one spot slips away from the other.

Needless to say, we were immediately skeptical that this could be the result of natural causes, so we started calling around. Our primary suspect, Cthulhu, strongly denied any involvement, stating “Look, buddy, R’lyeh ain’t exactly Club Med, but why would I want to move to a dump like Texas? I do have some standards.”

“Ph-nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!” he added before hanging up on us.

We next turned attention to our alternate suspect. When reached for comment, Satan replied “Yeah, I’m behind the crack in the earth. We’re running out of room in Hell, what with all the crazed Jihadists who think their god wants them to strap bombs to themselves and blow up strangers, and all the crazed Christians who think Jesus is fine with making up reasons to invade countries and holding people indefinitely in prison without charges and torturing them.

“This new flood of Damned Souls has made things very crowded down here, so I’m annexing Texas. Last week’s Supreme Court ruling states very clearly that I can take it via eminent domain. And besides, we’re talking about Texas. Most of the inhabitants are going to end up down here eventually, and most of them won’t be able to tell the difference anyway, so why not speed up the process?”

The GOP, realizing that the loss of Texas’ 21 Republican Congressmen and 2 Republican Senators into the depths of Hell would severely weaken its chances of holding onto control of Congress in 2006, sprang into action. A $666 trillion spending package to finance an invasion of Hell was quickly introduced into the Senate. When Senate Democrats, noting that Hell’s demons are immortal and thus impervious to any known weaponry, filibustered the bill, the White House joined the fray. Senior political advisor Karl Rove lashed out:

Conservatives saw the savagery of Hell’s annexation of Texas and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of Hell’s annexation of Texas and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.

Democrats responded angrily, pointing out that since Rove and numerous other high-ranking Republican war supporters successfully avoided military service during previous invasions of Hell, it was a little hypocritical for them to be questioning others’ patriotism now.

We expect the rhetoric on both sides to escalate in the coming weeks, as the Hellish crack widens across more of Texas, inching closer and closer to the President’s vacation ranch in Crawford and Tom Delay’s congressional district near Houston. “Oh yeah, I’m gonna enjoy this,” Satan was heard to say, cracking his knuckles.

Stay tuned for periodic updates to this developing story.