SemiConscious Dot Org

It started innocently enough, when we came across a link to a series of articles at Reverend Dobson’s website, offering helpful tips on spotting latent homosexuality in your preteen and heading off the insidious affliction before it can take root. Imagine, then, our horror when we looked at the list of homosexual “warning signs” and saw such items as

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

Feeling different, disliking sports, and being bullied as a child make one gay? Good Lord! Everyone we know must be queer!

This terrifying revelation upset us so much that not even the soothing words of Saint O’Reilly or the latest wacky escapades of Umbert, the Talking Cartoon Fetus could cheer us up.

Luckily, however, like a Beacon in the Darkness, we stumbled across a site that promised to ease our confusion. The Biblical Worldview Test offers the Godly an assessment of their worthiness for Heaven, based upon their answers to a series of questions about politics, religion, and current events. At last! we thought in eager anticipation. A way to reassert our Christliness and ease our troubled mind.

Imagine, then, our shock and dismay upon taking the test and receiving our results:

Your classification is: Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker

Your score is: -49 points of 170 possible, -28%

Horror upon horror! In a test where 170 points equals a Guaranteed Express Ticket to Jeebusville, we scored negative forty nine!!! Hellbound! Why, if this test were true, we would be no better than those Godless Commie Liberals who viciously mock and slander mega-churches out of a mistaken assumption that football stadium-sized crowds and billions of dollars in income have nothing to do with Jesus.

However, we solved this apparent conundrum the way a good Conservative Christian always deals with issues that may contradict some tenet of their previously held faith: We decided, upon further reflection, that this test could not be what it purported to be, but must instead be a Trick of Satan, deliberately placed on the Internets to test our Faith.

Problem solved! Praise Nixon!