SemiConscious Dot Org

Wellsir, it seems that all the cool kids in the blog world, when they aren’t too busy with their hopscotch and their maree-wanna, are passing their time with something called the Friday Random 10. Idea is, you set your iPod or your Media Player on shuffle, jot down the first ten songs that pop up (no matter how bad they are), and rate each one. Hit a song that’s so preternaturally embarrassing you’d rather die than try to explain away its presence on your hard drive to the entire world? Now you know how Scottie McClellan feels! (Bad music, bullshit wars based on lies and treasonous leaks by presidential advisors; same difference.) Spin, spin away!

1) North Mississippi Allstars, “Eyes”
These guys have almost singlehandedly revitalized the lagging blues-rock format. However, this song is from their worst album, Polaris, a horribly misguided attempt to broaden their sound with generic jangle pop. 4/10

2) Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band, “When Big Joan Sets Up”
Not the best song on Beefheart’s magnum opus, Trout Mask Replica, but a pleasing slice of Dada-inspired ranting nonetheless. 6/10

3) Desert Sessions, “Screamin’ Eagle”
An ass-kicking RAWK instrumental from Volume I of Josh Homme’s long-running side project to Queens of the Stone Age. Dangerous to listen to while driving, at least if you wish to avoid speeding tickets. 9/10

4) Built To Spill, “Carry The Zero”
My favorite track from Keep It Like a Secret. 8/10

5) Beastie Boys, “Namaste”
Closing song on Check Your Head. Unfortunately, it’s the most boring of that album’s many faux-Santana instrumentals. 5/10

6) Widespread Panic, “Mercy”
Jam bands generally make incredibly boring and tedious studio albums. Widespread Panic, due to their ability to craft an actual hook and keep their songs under six minutes, are just about the sole exception to this rule. This ballad from their self-titled debut album earns bonus points for the lyric “I can smell your breath through a freshly-painted door.” 7/10

7) U2, “Sunday Bloody Sunday”
A long-ago relic from the days when U2 actually stood for something. Sure, it’s naive and pompous and painfully earnest, but it’s still light years better than anything they’ve done since they discovered drum machines and blank irony. 6/10

8 ) Faith No More, “What a Day”
Two and a half minutes of pure bile from their criminally overlooked late-period album, King For a Day, Fool For a Lifetime. Thundering guitars and the immortal chorus “What a day, what a day, if you can look it in the face and hold your vomit.” Mike Patton is God. 8/10

9) Tool, “4 Degrees”
Perhaps the most melodic track on their breakthrough, Undertow. Of course, it still sports riffs to shake the tectonic plates. 7/10

10) Train, “Drops of Jupiter”
EEEEEYARGH!!!! And we were doing so well!!! Where in hell did this drop of pseudo-Elton John schmaltz come from??? I have no knowledge of how this turd squeezed out onto the hard drive, but I suspect a certain ex-girlfriend. 0/10 (only because negative numbers aren’t allowed.)

So this shuffle started off with a distinct patchouli stench, veered into alt-metal territory, and then straight off the side of a cliff with the final track. Total: 60/100, or exactly 6.0 average per song. Train hurt us, man, no doubt about it. Hurt us bad.

Let’s hear yours. C’mon, don’t be shy.