SemiConscious Dot Org

The Rapture is Nigh, Reason #901,163:

Fred Durst want to be a movie director.

“While the band was taking off, I was trying to have meetings with movie people,” he said. “And all Limp Bizkit being successful did was hurt me and get in the way of the movie business. They don’t take music people seriously. They’ll take you serious if they wanna throw you in a film and let you be an actor and cash in on your success while you’re hot, and that’s not what I wanted to do. I was offered all kinds of cheesy movies that were really successful to direct and I was like, ‘I’m not here to make movies like that.’ I want to make timeless movies. I want to be beside Martin Scorsese and Wes Anderson and Paul Thomas Anderson and Francis Ford Coppola. I’m a real director.”
(link via Sadly, No! )

It took until the very last day of the year, but we finally have a winner for Most Idiotic Story of 2005. One is tempted to ponder what the cinematic equivalent of “Nookie” or “Break Stuff” would look like, but then again, one has one’s digestion to think of, so perhaps not.

You’re welcome.

No doubt you, our patriotic, God-fearing readers, are well aware of The War on Christmas™, a vicious conflict which rages all across ‘Murrica. In the past, we preferred neutrality in this conflict, choosing to observe Festivus as did our ancestors, but all that changed when we began to follow the teachings of General O’Reilly. We decided that anyone who suffered such vicious, unprovoked attacks to his unimpeachable credibility must be telling the truth.

We won’t kid you, children: lately, the war has been going badly. The worst blow was struck last week, when the Rebel Secularist Air Force shot down Santa Claus!

(Shocking picture via Sadly, No!)

But not even this horrific tragedy is enough to satisfy the bloodthirsty appetites of Secularists and their Kwaanzite, Yuleist, and Hannukan allies. Why, they’ve even subverted that bastion of all-American patriotic Christianity, Fox News! And, not two days ago, they scored their most fiendish military victory yet, forcing General O’Reilly’s surrender. No doubt he is, as we speak, in a Festivalian prison, being tortured with an aluminum pole in ways we can only imagine. Weep for him, our flock, for he is a martyr to the cause!

But do not sink into utter despair; for though the loss of General O’Reilly is a grevious blow, we do have other Christmas warriors. General Giblets, for one, brings us updates from his battle to overthrow the Kwaanaan capital, and provides a wonderful example for us all, spreading the message of Christ’s love to the Secularists in the only language they understand – thuggish violence!

But The Lord has even more valiant defenders, such as these nice people, who protest outside WalMart to highlight its disgusting usage of the un-American, objectively pro-terrorist phrase “Happy Holidays.” Moreover, the extremely heterosexual General JC Christian points out that the city of Nashville has heroically passed a resolution affirming that “Jesus Christ is an actual man who was born over 2,000 years ago, as recorded by history,” so we should all say “Merry Christmas” – or else!

We applaud all these measures to tell the story of the Baby Jesus through boycotts, protests, and demagogic tirades by television talking heads. With such stalwarts on our side, it will surely be only a matter of time before the Armies of Christmas march on a road of bones! Glory!

“I want to stay here, but I may walk and go home. I might shut it down in a couple of years.

“There’s no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they are going to come after me hard. It’s definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It’s not what I need.

“I’d like to finish my career here [Boston]. I’m not sure they’ll let me do it, if they offer me [only] two or three years [on a contract]. I want at least four or five.
—Johnny Damon, 5/01/05, on MLB.com

Granted, you’re not actually dead…but you’re dead to us.

All over Red Sox Nation this morning, people are tearing the “What Would Johnny Damon Do?” bumper stickers off their cars. Unfrozen Caveman Outfielder has turned to The Dark Side. He’ll be a horrible fit in Steinbrenner’s uptight empire, but obviously that’s not as important to him as the money. Of course, the Sox “management” is also to blame for incorrectly assuming that no one would shell out the megabucks he wanted, but they’re not the ones who will be standing in center field in Fenway next year, wearing the disgusting, cursed pinstripes of the Enemy, as boos and beercups and batteries rain down on them.

Perhaps Judas Damon should’ve had a talk with David Wells about how those who switch sides in this bitter rivalry are treated.

Disaster struck at work this weekend.

Sometime on Friday, a water pipe broke at the school where I work, flooding most of the top floor of the building and causing water to soak through the ceiling and inundate large portions of the lower floors as well. Unfortunately, the library was one of the hardest hit rooms. The books were unharmed, but many of the computers spent three days sitting in several inches of water. I don’t know if the afflicted computers still function, as I had no desire to risk electrocution by turning them on. If they are toast, then this is a catastrophe, since the school exists entirely on donations and has no technology budget. (The existing library computers came courtesy of a Gates Foundation grant back in 2000.) Merry frickin’ Christmas.

In unrelated, but similarly pleasant news: Not only has our “President” admitted to using the National Security Agency to spy on American citizens without warrants, in flagrant violation of the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution, but he actually has the cajones to claim that the spying was legal and justified, that it will continue, and that the biggest sin is actually that of the press for revealing the spying in the first place.

I am so tired of this vicious little dipshit and his hand-picked gang of liars and thugs and killers. Can we start calling him a dictator yet? More to the point, can we finally get started on impeaching his stupid ass? I want my country back…

And you thought we were joking last year when we described Santa’s murderous reign of terror. Who’s laughing now?

Yes, it’s been awful, hasn’t it? Twelve long months of waiting and waiting, paralyzed with indecision, wanting desperately to purchase new music, but clueless as to where to start. “Why, oh why, won’t Aaron tell us what to buy?” You wailed. “This site helped out so much last year. We’re lost without his guidance!”

Relax. Your wait is over.

For purposes of weeding down the list, I limited myself to albums consisting of new material. This meant no live albums, “best of” comps, or remastered reissues of classics, which disqualified otherwise enjoyable discs by Wilco, The Beta Band, Gomez, and The Stooges.

And now, without further ado, the Top 30 of 2005:

30. Neil Young – Prairie Wind
29. Meshuggah – Catch Thirty Three
28. Blackalicious – The Craft
27. Sage Francis – A Healthy Distrust
26. Fantômas – Suspended Animation
25. The Eels – Bright Lights and Other Revelations
24. Gorillaz – Demon Days
23. Mike Patton/X-Ecutioners – General Patton vs. the X-Ecutioners
22. Sigur Ros – Takk…
21. Son Volt – Okemah and the Melody of Riot
20. Jello Biafra & The Melvins – Sieg Howdy!
19. North Mississippi Allstars – Electric Blue Watermelon
18. My Morning Jacket – Z
17. Porcupine Tree – Deadwing
16. Kings of Leon – Aha Shake Heartbreak
15. The Mars Volta – Frances the Mute
14. Black Mountain – Black Mountain
13. Oceansize – Everyone Into Position
12. Dropkick Murphys – The Warrior’s Code
11. Dungen – Ta Det Lugnt
10. Edan – Beauty and the Beat
9. Dälek – Absence
8. DangerDoom – The Mouse and the Mask
7. The White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan
6. Opeth – Ghost Reveries
5. System of a Down – Mezmerize / Hypnotize
4. Clutch – Robot Hive:Exodus
3. Queens of the Stone Age – Lullabies to Paralyze
2. High On Fire – Blessed Black Wings
1. Sleater-Kinney – The Woods

Woman Hires Hit Man Over Block of Cheese.

Circling.
The.
Drain.