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Christmas Über Alles!
No doubt you, our patriotic, God-fearing readers, are well aware of The War on Christmas™, a vicious conflict which rages all across ‘Murrica. In the past, we preferred neutrality in this conflict, choosing to observe Festivus as did our ancestors, but all that changed when we began to follow the teachings of General O’Reilly. We decided that anyone who suffered such vicious, unprovoked attacks to his unimpeachable credibility must be telling the truth.
We won’t kid you, children: lately, the war has been going badly. The worst blow was struck last week, when the Rebel Secularist Air Force shot down Santa Claus!
(Shocking picture via Sadly, No!)
But not even this horrific tragedy is enough to satisfy the bloodthirsty appetites of Secularists and their Kwaanzite, Yuleist, and Hannukan allies. Why, they’ve even subverted that bastion of all-American patriotic Christianity, Fox News! And, not two days ago, they scored their most fiendish military victory yet, forcing General O’Reilly’s surrender. No doubt he is, as we speak, in a Festivalian prison, being tortured with an aluminum pole in ways we can only imagine. Weep for him, our flock, for he is a martyr to the cause!
But do not sink into utter despair; for though the loss of General O’Reilly is a grevious blow, we do have other Christmas warriors. General Giblets, for one, brings us updates from his battle to overthrow the Kwaanaan capital, and provides a wonderful example for us all, spreading the message of Christ’s love to the Secularists in the only language they understand – thuggish violence!
But The Lord has even more valiant defenders, such as these nice people, who protest outside WalMart to highlight its disgusting usage of the un-American, objectively pro-terrorist phrase “Happy Holidays.” Moreover, the extremely heterosexual General JC Christian points out that the city of Nashville has heroically passed a resolution affirming that “Jesus Christ is an actual man who was born over 2,000 years ago, as recorded by history,” so we should all say “Merry Christmas” – or else!
We applaud all these measures to tell the story of the Baby Jesus through boycotts, protests, and demagogic tirades by television talking heads. With such stalwarts on our side, it will surely be only a matter of time before the Armies of Christmas march on a road of bones! Glory!
