SemiConscious Dot Org

Faithful readers of this blog are aware that, over the past few years, we have taken a backseat to no one in our relentless efforts to root out the myriad traitorous, objectively pro-terrorist America-hating Fifth Columnists in our midst. However, it has recently come to our attention that, in our preoccupation with finding domestic enemies, we have neglected those traitors to America who aren’t actually American.

Like, for instance, Canadians.

Somewhere along the way, our uppity neighbors to the North got ahold of the ludicrous idea that they can pass any law they want – even if said law conflicts with one of ours! Take, for instance, their decriminalization of the Devil Weed, Maree-wanna. Way back in ‘03, we warned them they better not decriminalize, or else! But did they listen? Nooooooooo. Luckily, our brave, intrepid DEA wasn’t afraid to hop right on over the border and enforce our drug laws on their soil!

Now, you’d think that they’d have learned who’s boss after that, right? Nope. The patriotic, all-American stalwarts at Fox News report that Canada’s prime minister, Mountie McHockeypuck, has been daring to criticize the Bush administration over their refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocols. Perhaps he’s not heard the memo that any criticism of Dear Leader, for any reason at all, just emboldens our enemies and endangers our troops…regardless of whether or not the issue at hand has anything at all to do with national security, or whether or not the offender is actually American. Since we can’t expect the Canadians to comply and hand over their traitorous prime minister, perhaps we should plant some pot seeds on him and send in the DEA!

Thank Jeebus that, in addition to the superpatriots at Fox, we have freedom-loving heroes like Tucker Carlson around, to take the battle straight into the teeth of these Northern Nogoodniks. Using the rapier-sharp intellect and rhetorical brilliance which has made him a favorite of conservatives countrywide, Carlson recently assessed the Canadians thusly:

Canada is essentially a stalker, stalking the United States, right? Canada has little pictures of us in its bedroom, right? Canada spends all of its time thinking about the United States, obsessing over the United States. It’s unrequited love between Canada and the United States. We, meanwhile, don’t even know Canada’s name. We pay no attention at all.

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Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he’s nice, but you don’t take him seriously. That’s Canada.

Now, insulting our Godless Commie neighbors is certainly fun, but we prefer more direct action. Like, say, invasion. After all, as recently as 2002, 4 out of 10 Americans supported annexing Canada. We would imagine that, after the recent cloud of rude comments (and pot smoke) filtering down from the Frosty North, sentiment for that laudable endeavor has only increased. Let’s do to Canada what Ann Coulter suggested we do to Muslims: “Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.”

By now, you’re probably saying “Sure, we’d love to invade and subjugate Canada to teach them a lesson for making fun of us and Our Preznit and smoking up all the kind bud. But what about the cost? What are we supposed to plunder from them to finance our glorious, bloody conquest? Maple syrup and hockey pucks? BC bud isn’t worth that much.” Well, our thrifty friend, would you be interested to learn that Canada has oil? LOTS and LOTS of OIL? Hmmmm, verrrry innnnnnnteresting….

Sure, some people might say we shouldn’t be criticizing Canada while children in Louisiana are going to school in tents and people in Seattle are sleeping in their cars, but those who would say such a thing obviously hate America, and are probably French.