SemiConscious Dot Org

I’m stunned it ended so soon. 10 straight playoff wins over four years, three Superbowl titles – and it all came crashing down in an avalanche of turnovers and mental mistakes. The Team That Never Beats Itself did just that on Saturday, coughing up a 27-13 decision to the Denver Broncos. Patriot turnovers led directly to 24 of Denver’s points.

I’m disappointed in this loss, but certainly not devastated. After all, when your team takes three titles in four years, it’s hard to get too bent out of shape when they finally prove to be human. And since the the core of the team – Brady, the receivers, the offensive and defensive lines – are all under 30 and are signed long-term, they will be right back in the mix next year, when they will have a chance to tie the 1974-79 Pittsburgh Steelers’ record of four Superbowl wins in six years.

The blow of New England’s season ending was further softened by two other results this weekend:

1) The Seattle Seahawks won their first playoff game in 21 years. Although they’re not really my team, I do live in Seattle. Since my own team is out, I can root for them with a clear conscience.

2) The Indianapolis Colts choked, choked, choked. AGAIN. Peyton Manning, the most overrated player of his generation, once again stunk the joint out in the playoffs. To make matters even sweeter, he showed his class after the game by basically throwing his own teammates under the bus.

In honor of the Indianapolis Chokes, we present a gallery of that most hilarious of all sporting occurances, one that makes an appearance every January, just like clockwork. Yes, we’re talking about the one, the only, Peyton Manning Face™.

Outrage! The insidious forces of Secular Humanism dealt yet another blow to the rights of Fetus-Americans this week, when an activist judge ruled that fetuses do not count as extra passengers in carpool lanes:

Municipal Judge Dennis Freeman rejected Dickinson’s argument Tuesday, applying a “common sense” definition in which an individual is someone who occupies a “separate and distinct” space in a vehicle. “The law is meant to fill empty space in a vehicle,” the judge said.

In a hastily-arranged press conference, the spokesfetus for Concerned Fetuses of America was livid. “This is just another example of the lack of respect afforded our people,” said the microscopic collection of cells. “In an era when fetuses can vote, carry a firearm, drink alcohol, join the armed services, and even have their own mascot, we aren’t allowed to carpool to work? For shame, activist judges! For shaaaame!”

The spokesfetus was flanked by the Rev. Pat Robertson, who wasted no time in calling for God to destroy the activist judge in question. “Hey, Mr. Satanist Judge!” quipped Robertson. “I’ve called fatwas on Hugo Chavez, the city of New Orleans, that town in Pennsylvania, and Ariel Sharon. You think I won’t call one down on your ass?”

“Old Testament, bitch!” the Reverend concluded.

We wish to express our solidarity with Reverend Robertson, and sincerely wishes for all activist judges to experience Christ’s love through the medium of a vicious smiting from the hand of an angry, vengeful god. Glory!