Like “American Idol,” But For Loonies
It is our great pleasure to name Pat Robertson the 2005 Craaaziest Christian of the Year™. Our favorite nutjob really stepped up to the plate in the past 12 months, blaming Hurricane Katrina on abortion, calling for Divine Vengeance on the town in Pennsylvania that voted to teach science in science class, and blaming Ariel Sharon’s stroke on God’s anger over Israeli foreign policy. Truly inspiring, Reverend!
For those reasons, as well as his earlier branding of activist judges as a worse threat to America than Al Qaeda and his fatwa on Hugo Chavez, Pat Robertson runs away with the title. He’s so crazy, he managed to beat out the entire state of Kansas singlehandedly! Glory!
It is worth noting that Reverend Robertson’s year-long tirade was so inspiring that we were not the only person to take notice and honor him. For literally the first time in our life, we agree on something with godless secular humanists! Such is the power of Robertson to bring people together!
Well! Now that we’ve settled 2005’s winner, we might as well begin introducing nominees for the 2006 award. Our first an old favorite, Rev. Fred Phelps, who has lately been protesting the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq because he claims the casualties are God’s vengeance on America for tolerating The Gays! Our second nominee, Dr. Henry Makow, continues in a similar vein, claiming that “Brokeback Mountain” is an Illuminati plot to destroy the traditional family and impose New World Order! Truly, this year is off to a rousing start. Feel free to let us know which of these Godly headcases you would like to see move on to the next round, and nominate any other Craaazy Christians™ we may have missed or overlooked. Glory!
On behalf of Kansas, thank you for the honorable mention that our state received. Also thank you for considering our fellow Kansan, Fred Phelps, as a contender in 2006. He deserves to win a lifetime achievement award!
January 26th, 2006 at 11:03 pmTo be honest, the state of Kansas was the frontrunner, until Rev. Robertson pulled off the religious lunacy equivalent of a last-second field goal with all those late-year pronouncements. He just would not be denied! What a trooper!
As for Phelps, he’s big fun. His consistency is admirable: everything that goes wrong in the world is a result of God’s waxing righteously pissed over dudes canoodling with other dudes. Of course, that consistency also hurts him in the final rankings: since all his lunacy is aimed at a single boogeyman, he simply can’t compete with Robertson, whose bile is so prodigious that he has to spread it around at any number of targets.
Plus, unlike Robertson, Phelps doesn’t have millions of followers who shower him with money and are just as batshit crazy as he is.
January 27th, 2006 at 7:28 am