SemiConscious Dot Org

The End of the Internet?

The nation’s largest telephone and cable companies are crafting an alarming set of strategies that would transform the free, open and nondiscriminatory Internet of today to a privately run and branded service that would charge a fee for virtually everything we do online.

Verizon, Comcast, Bell South and other communications giants are developing strategies that would track and store information on our every move in cyberspace in a vast data-collection and marketing system, the scope of which could rival the National Security Agency. According to white papers now being circulated in the cable, telephone and telecommunications industries, those with the deepest pockets—corporations, special-interest groups and major advertisers—would get preferred treatment. Content from these providers would have first priority on our computer and television screens, while information seen as undesirable, such as peer-to-peer communications, could be relegated to a slow lane or simply shut out.

Ironic, isn’t it? With all the (entirely justified) anger over our government’s continuing efforts to mine data and compile vast stores of information on American citizens, the greatest threat to our civil liberties comes – as it usually does – from the corporate sector. Elimination of the Fairness Doctrine in the 80’s and the passage of the Telecommunications Act of 1996 have effectively combined to destroy the concept of “public airwaves.” What is the only medium left in which private citizens enjoy relatively uncensored, unfettered information; the only medium where one’s access to that information is not confined to corporate-dominated “channels?” The internet.

Not for long, if the telecomm firms get their way.

I have been back in Seattle for a year and a half now, and I have yet to set foot in the new central branch of the Seattle Public Library. Moreover, I lived right next door to the new Ballard Branch of SPL for several months, and never set foot in that building either.

Phew, it feels good to get that off my chest. I just hope I don’t get blackballed out of the profession for this egregious lapse in ethics.

Recently, when we at the Church of Nixon awarded our prestigious 2005 Craaaziest Christian of the Year™ title to Reverend Pat Robertson, we opined that the sheer volume of his lunacy enabled him to narrowly edge out the entire state of Kansas.

Well, apparently Kansas took the loss personally, because they’re making a strong bid for the 2006 title. The very heterosexual General JC Christian points us to Kansas AG Phill Kline, whose current Godly mission is to criminalize consensual sex amongst Kansas teenagers:

While Kansas is one of 12 states in which sex under a certain age—16, 17, or 18—is always presumed illegal, regardless of consent or the age difference between the partners, Kline’s written interpretation of Kansas’ reporting law makes it the only state requiring that doctors, nurses, counselors, and all other care providers report—as abuse— any sexual interaction between teens under 16. Failure to report is a misdemeanor. Under Kline’s view, professionals must report even when the sex is consensual, committed with partners their age, and where there is no suspicion of injury. The plaintiffs who filed suit—a group of doctors, nurses, and counselors—contend that under Kline’s policy, even evidence of teen necking must be reported.

We wholeheartedly support Kline’s efforts to throw promiscuous teen harlots in jail for having sex before marriage. We believe all Kansas schoolgirls should be immediately examined by school officials to ensure that their precious maidenhead is intact. If it’s not, off to the hoosegow! (Sure, there’s no way to test boys for physical evidence of intact virginity, but we all know it wasn’t their fault anyway; the young slatterns tempted them into it.)

In fact, we feel that Kline’s efforts, while laudable, don’t go far enough. If, as Kline has argued in the past, life begins at conception, then contraception is murder! Furthermore, since unmarried people often use contraception to avoid pregnancy, all sex outside of marriage is murder! As is all sex inside marriage that occurs for any reason other than procreation.

In fact, masturbation is an act of genocide! Every minute of every day, billions of potential future Republican voters are being flushed down the toilets of America in wadded-up kleenexes. We urge the immediate roundup of and incarceration of all suspected masturbators, who are obviously worse than Hitler and must be locked away to prevent the continuing slaughter. Only when they are safely behind bars will the atrocities end.

(Because, as we all know, no sex goes on inside prison.)