SemiConscious Dot Org

By now, of course, it is common knowledge all over the country that the referees stole Superbowl XL from the Seattle Seahawks. With that fact indisputable, the main area of argument has shifted to the question of whether the refs were merely staggeringly incompetent, or hopelessly corrupt and actually trying to hand the game to Pittsburgh. Today, we will settle this question.

The refs were paid to throw the game. And we paid them.

Before you condemn us, hear us out! We did this horrible deed because we love Seattle, our adopted hometown.

Seattle is a wonderful place to live. It has great food and caffeinated products, a vigorous high-tech economy, and a lively arts and music scene. And all of these things would have been destroyed by a Seahawks win. Because all of these great things are based on people being miserable and grumpy.

Why is the coffee and food so great? Because it’s cold and dark and rainy here and people naturally don’t want to get out of bed. The caffeine and eats exist as a necessity to get them up and about; otherwise, they’d never leave the house. (We know we wouldn’t.)

The high-tech industry? It exists here because, again, everybody is at home and miserable and doesn’t want to leave the house, so they spend lots of time online looking for porn. If it wasn’t for unhappy, bored people, there would be no porn, and if it wasn’t for porn, there would be no computer industry, and the economy here would suck.

And finally, the music. From the early days of The Sonics through the Grunge explosion of the 90’s and the current wealth of punk and metal bands, Seattle’s music scene has always been dominated by people who were pissed at the world. Were it not for an excess of pent-up aggression, the scene would collapse.

Now do you see why we had to do it? A Seahawks victory would’ve made everyone in Seattle happy and giddy, lifted the gloom that hangs over this place every winter – and the entire city would have fallen apart. We couldn’t allow that to happen! That’s why we exerted our enormous, puppetmaster-like influence to manipulate events behind the scenes and hand Superbowl XL to the Steelers, despite their status as an obviously inferior team to the Seahawks.

Please forgive us!