SemiConscious Dot Org

Dark days are upon us. No doubt you all, as good, God-fearing conservative Republican Christians, were shocked by the recent release of a medical study which concludes that not only does prayer not help sick patients, the prayed-for actually fared worse after surgery. While we are certain that the study’s results are both false and entirely due to the researchers all being devil-worshipping godless secularist humanists, the news did still royally bum us out.

Nevertheless, God’s People™ are both numerous and strong here in ‘Murrica. Read the following stories and reaffirm the awesome power of faith:

Remember the woman who, when pulled over by the cops for driving solo in the carpool lane, claimed her unborn fetus as a passenger? Well, the Culture of Life won’t take her court loss lying down! Say hello to The National Right to Ride Carpool Coalition, dedicated to securing zygotes their inalienable rights as rush hour commuters! (After this worthy goal is attained, their next project will be to secure tax breaks for fetuses who purchase SUV’s.)

Many of you may be under the sad illusion (propogated, once again, by Godless secular humanists) that the abuse scandals in the Catholic Church were caused by outdated rules prohibiting priests from marrying or by coverups in church hierarchy. Balderdash! Documentary maker Michael Calace exposes the real cause of priests molesting little boys: subliminal Satanic imagery in church art! Phew, glad we settled that issue!

Our next nominee, South Dakota state senator Bill Napoli, assures us that some rape victims will still be able to get abortions under his state’s new law – along as they’re religious and were virgins before being raped! And when pressed to explain South Dakota’s abnormally high infant mortality rate, he blames the Indians! Huzzah, Senator; smokescreen accomplished! We foresee big things for you in God’s Own Party! (link via the surpassingly heterosexual Jesus’ General. )

Oh yes, and let’s not forget the artist who, in tribute to the glories of traditional motherhood and the pro-lfe movement, sculpted Britney Spears nekkid on all fours on a bearskin rug.

So, there you have it: four exceedingly strong candidates for December’s illustrious award. However, as we all know, there can be only one Craaazy Christian™ winner. Who shall advance to the finals from this group? Let the voting commence! Glory!