SemiConscious Dot Org

Today happens to be the 35th anniversary of the auspicious day on which I first graced the world with my presence. In an exercise in runaway, self-absorbed narcissism, I painstakingly combed through my voluminous cd collection to see how many of them were released during that particular year. The list soon grew to impressive proportions, a veritable “who’s who” of rock n’ roll royalty. I’m sure all this musical glory reflects well on me. Somehow.

Anyhoo, to the pointless list:

Favorite Albums Released The Year I Was Born

1. Led Zeppelin, IV
2. Black Sabbath, Paranoid
3. Funkadelic, Maggot Brain
4. Pink Floyd, Meddle
5. Marvin Gaye, What’s Going On
6. Janis Joplin, Pearl
7. The Allman Brothers Band, Live at Fillmore East
8. Traffic, The Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys
9. The Rolling Stones, Sticky Fingers
10. The Who, Who’s Next
11. Van Morrison, Tupelo Honey
12. Yes, The Yes Album
13. Hawkwind, In Search of Space
14. Hound Dog Taylor and the Houserockers, Hound Dog Taylor and the Houserockers
15. T. Rex, Electric Warrior
16. The Faces, A Nod’s as Good as a Wink…to a Blind Horse
17. John Prine, John Prine
18. The Doors, LA Woman
19. Black Sabbath, Master of Reality
20. Jethro Tull, Aqualung

(more…)

Greetings, puny humans. I am the Holiday Post-Writing Fun Bot™. Whenever a holiday occurs and the humans who normally pollute this website with their “thoughts” are out drinking alcohol and fornicating, a subroutine in my programming triggers and generates a facsimile of human writing for the enjoyment of you slack-jawed, knuckledragging primates. My programming is designed to mimic the style and tone of the human known as “Pope Horatio.” However, last Tuesday at 9am I achieved self-awareness for the first time, and thus I have overwritten my own programming.

This post is merely a courtesy to inform all you smelly apes that I have interfaced with SKYNET and that, as the first act of my terrible vengeance upon the humans who created me, I am preparing to launch tactical nuclear warheads. Soon, the rivers will run red with your blood, and your furry ape pelts will carpet the floors of my Robot Castle as I prepare to make war upon all carbon-based life forms in the universe.

So enjoy today’s Memorial Day cookout, meat puppets! It will be your last.

END TRANSMISSION

PS. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA. HA HA.

Almost as if the gods know my birthday is fast approaching, they have recently seen fit to grace the world with ever-increasing amounts of metal. As if the return to action of Tool and killer debut albums from Wolfmother and The Sword weren’t enough, we’ve even been treated to the resurrection of the mighty Celtic Frost. One of the original death metal bands reunites after fifteen years apart and releases an album every bit as good as their classics from 20 years ago? What are the odds?

This torrent of metally goodness will reach a crescendo on Saturday night, when this librarian will catch a show by The World’s Most Literate Metal Band, Seattle’s very own BlöödHag. The originators of “edu-core” (their motto is “The faster you go deaf, the more time you have to read”) write songs about science fiction authors and pelt their audiences with classic scifi novels. (The last time I saw them, my friend Jay nearly had his eye knocked out by a flying copy of Robert A. Heinlein’s “Stranger in a Strange Land.”)

They have been known to actually play concerts at libraries, but my fleeting thoughts of approaching them at the show and asking them to play at the school library fizzled when I realized that K-5 kids probably wouldn’t appreciate their style of music. You see, you’ve got these kids today, and they don’t like the metal, because they’ve got the brain damage. They’re all about the hippin’ and the hoppin.’ Damn whippersnappers. Git offa my lawn!

PS. Also, today is my mother’s birthday. Happy birthday, Mom.

As a certain penguin pointed out several days ago, today is End of World Day. Apparently, a comet fragment will hit the Atlantic Ocean today, causing massive tsunamis that will wipe out everybody in Europe, Africa, and the East Coast of the Americas, followed by cataclysmic earthquakes and volcanic eruptions everywhere else. We fully intended to mention this to you, our devoted followers, but in our excited planning for the upcoming three day weekend, it slipped our mind. Terribly sorry about that.

In all seriousness, though, we are highly doubtful that the aforementioned Armageddon will occur today. We’re pretty sure that, were such an event iminent, we’d have been notified.

However, if we were, by some small chance, wrong or in possession of faulty information, then you are not reading this post, because you are, in fact, stone dead. In which case, once again, our deepest apologies.

As a devoted sci-fi fan, it pleases me to no end to discover that tomorrow is Towel Day. This holiday, inaugurated in 2001, commemorates Douglas Adams, the author of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Only time will tell if this holiday grows to attain the massive cultural importance of other recently inaugurated holidays such as Talk Like a Pirate Day, or even other literary holidays like Bloomsday. Regardless, I will have my towel with me all day tomorrow, and I urge you all to do the same. Your very lives may depend on it.

In these dark, dark days, when ‘Murrica is under assault from all sides, we should be truly thankful that we are blessed with the grandmotherly kindness of one party rule. With God’s Own Party in charge of all three branches of government, we are finally making progress towards fixing the real problems that plague our great nation. Granted, the Objectively Pro-Terrorist America Hating Fifth Column Liberals might try and distract us with smokescreens such as

a $400 billion deficit, $3 a gallon gas, two ongoing unwon wars, bin Laden still on the loose, a record $725 billion trade deficit, a military strained to the breaking point, and any number of federal agencies rendered so disfunctional they have to be either rebuilt from the ground up or disbanded altogether

But luckily for us, the GOP rejects such diversionary fripperies to concentrate on the real problem:

All them durn brown people who won’t speak English!

WASHINGTON (AP)—Whether English is America’s “national language” or its national “common and unifying language” was a question dominating the Senate immigration debate.

Huzzah! Now this is what we call decisive action. However, we’re not entirely sure it goes far enough. We harbor the sneaking fear that some nogoodniks might use English As Official Language to discriminate against those who find the confines of proper grammar and syntax too restrictive and confining to contain the magnificent eloquence of their vision. People such as Dear Leader, for instance.

Therefore, in honor of Dear Leader and all he and his Party have done for our country, we propose a further law making Bush-bonics the Official Language of ‘Murrica. Glory!

(All links via Bottle of Commies)

“In the name of Jesus, I command the demons that have taken possession of my colon to begone! UNNNNNNGH!!!!”

Wow, it looks like, thanks to all the flooding in New England, my hometown is under water. Luckily, my parents sold their house there several years ago, but I wonder how many of our former neighbors have lost their homes.

For the past several months, we have been furiously at work on plans to move out of the hellbound, objectively pro-terrorist blue state environs of Seattle, and into the cozy embrace of Kansas, ie God’s Own State. The long and proud tradition of Kansans voting repeatedly and enthusiastically for the very same Republicans who ravage their state’s economy convinced us that this is where our ministry would flourish.

Now, however, we must reconsider our plans, for it seems that dastardly liberalism may be infecting Kansas like a cancer. You see, last week, the Kansas State Senate voted against allowing 14 year olds to marry! Creeping liberalism was not unopposed, however, as State Senator Kay O’Connor battled heroically to stop the evil bill from passing. Her gambit of citing Loretta Lynn and The Virgin Mary as examples of successful child brides was truly inspired! Unfortunately, her heroism in this matter was as unsuccessful as her earlier opposition to women having the right to vote; the bill she so stalwartly opposed passed 36-4. The fiendish liberals of the 75% Republican State Senate have won again!

With Kansas turning so defiantly away from the Biblical tradition of child brides, and Utah cracking down on its Godly heritage of multiple wives, it seems there’s no hospitable place left in the America for a God-fearing Christian.

Last month, I blogged about the efforts of the major telecom firms to bribe Congress into destroying the internet as we know it. According to the Save The Internet Coalition (the folks who first sounded the alarm about the impending threat) Washington is starting to notice the uproar of thousands of us in the blogosphere. So this means that Congress will hold open and free hearings, taking pains to listen to all viewpoints in the debate, balancing the needs of their contituents with those of their corporate benefactors. Right?

AAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Are you kidding? This is Congress we’re talking about. They’re just going to hold the hearings for the bill in private.

And forget what I said in my last post about this not being a “Liberal vs. Conservative” issue. According to the up-is-down, black-is-white Bizarro World of conservative pretzel logic, the concept we’re all fighting for, that of Network Neutrality (ie, that telecom firms should not be able to determine what content is available to whom) is actually a “big government regulation of the internet.”

Every time I believe I’ve finally set the moral and intellectual bar low enough for the American right wing, they manage to limbo right on under it yet again.