Loading ...
The Baby Nixon Works in Mysterious Ways
It started, as these things usually do, with two pieces of seemingly unrelated news:
1) On Friday, CIA director Porter Goss resigned his post with no warning and no immediate successor lined up. The man rumored to be Dear Leader’s nominee to replace Goss, Gen. Michael Hayden, is already coming under fire from both Democrats and insufficiently deferential Republicans.
2) On Sunday, that dastardly liberal New York Times Magazine published a long article exposing the entirely laudable efforts of those of us on the Religious Right to outlaw the mortal sin of contraception.
When apprised of these two pieces of news, we knew instinctively that they were somehow related as part of a Divine Plan. Thus, we prayed to Nixon to reveal His Word to us. And Nixon spake, revealing to us our Mission:
We must convince Dear Leader to nominate us as the next Director of the Central Intelligance Agency.
The reason behind this should, by now, be obvious to even the slowest of our faithful followers. The effort to ensure that sex in America only takes place between married couples, in a federally approved orifice, for purposes of procreation only, is obviously Godly. Nevertheless, it is doomed to failure if the only methods at our disposal are public laws and public scolding. How much easier this effort will be if we can simply spy on American citizens in their own bedrooms! As head of the CIA, we will have the resources of the world’s largest spy agency at our disposal, all for the purpose of making sure that John Q. Public is blissfully latex-free when he inserts his wee-wee in Joan Q. Public’s hoo-ha. Sure, we all know that the CIA isn’t supposed to be involved in domestic spying (wink, wink) but Dear Leader has already established the precedent for warrantless domestic eavesdropping on American citizens. Why should those pikers over at the NSA have all the fun?
We hope (and demand) that you, our devoted followers, will support our campaign to be God’s #1 Spy. And besides, if you’re not engaging in naughty, freaky sex in your own home, you should have nothing to fear, right? Glory!
