SemiConscious Dot Org

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.
– Revelations 13:18

No doubt it has already occured to you, our loyal flock, that Tuesday is June 6, 2006. Or, in other words: 6/6/6. This ominous day, which occurs but once per century, is unsurprisingly causing massive consternation on the internets. Christian mothers-to-be all over ‘Murrica are rescheduling C-sections and having their doctors induce early labor in order to avoid accidentally giving birth to the Antichrist. (For those mothers unlucky enough to give birth on Tuesday, our fellow Christian warriors at Landover Baptist have published a handy list of signs to look for that may indicate whether or not your newborn is, in fact, the Seed of Satan.)

As devout fundamentalist Christians, one might expect us to be similarly obsessed with any possible Armageddon-related implications for the 6th. However, over a year ago, we read that Biblical scholars have determined that the Very Bad Number is actually 616, which we interpreted to be a telephone area code. Therefore, we are blissfully certain that, when the Antichrist does arrive, he will show up in Grand Rapids, Michigan. (The fact that Grand Rapids is a mere 118 miles from Hell lends further creedence to our theory.) Given that the authenticity of 666 is now in doubt, however, there is no particular reason to expect him this Tuesday.

While we are unconvinced of the Evil One’s imminent arrival, we nevertheless aver that 6/6/6 is a really, really cool day and that it should be marked in some manner, and preferably a cooler manner than going to see a crappy remake of a classic movie. In point of fact, we plan on observing the day via enthusiastic participation in ‘Murrica’s newest religious holiday:

The National Day of Slayer!

Official Statement on Participation

• Listen to Slayer at full blast in your car.
• Listen to Slayer at full blast in your home.
• Listen to Slayer at full blast at your place of employment.
• Listen to Slayer at full blast in any public place you prefer.

DO NOT use headphones! The objective of this day is for everyone within earshot to understand that it is the National Day of Slayer. National holidays in America aren’t just about celebrating; they’re about forcing it upon non-participants.

For those Saved who may wish to celebrate this pious holiday, but are new to the musical magic of Slayer, may we suggest their magnum opus, 1986’s Reign in Blood. This soothing collection of poppy tunes is guaranteed to put a spring in the step of even the most dour Gloomy Gus. If Blood is not readily available, either of Slayer’s other two classic late-80’s albums (South of Heaven and Seasons in the Abyss) are recommended. While their later, post-1991 releases are not quite up to the sterling quality of the aforementioned trilogy, they will suffice in a pinch.

So take a day off this Tuesday, relax, and spend it in quiet contemplation of ear-shredding death metal. Your Pope wants you to. In fact, he commands it. Glory!