Loading ...
Let He who is Without Sin Cast the First Grenade
Lord Loves a Hangin’
That’s why He Gave us Necks
- Ren and Stimpy, “The Hanging Song”
Are you tired of secular culture? Do you yearn to be rid of the filth and debauchery that has infested our Godly nation like a plague? Are you sickened by all the heathens and atheists and perverts and unsaved and people who make fun of our God-appointed Dear Leader and all those damn kids with their rap music and their hopscotch and their maree-wanna? Do you yearn to cleanse the world of their foul presence – all from the safety of your mom’s basement?
Well, now you can, with the world’s first Christian shoot ‘em up video game!
Yes, that’s right: we are mere months from the release of Left Behind: Eternal Forces, an event eagerly awaited by God-fearing fundamentalists like ourselves. Our Cheeto-stained fingers twitch with breathless anticipation of our first opportunity to spray cyber-lead at unbelievers:
Imagine: you are a foot soldier in a paramilitary group whose purpose is to remake America as a Christian theocracy, and establish its worldly vision of the dominion of Christ over all aspects of life. You are issued high-tech military weaponry, and instructed to engage the infidel on the streets of New York City. You are on a mission – both a religious mission and a military mission—to convert or kill Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, gays, and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state – especially moderate, mainstream Christians. Your mission is “to conduct physical and spiritual warfare”; all who resist must be taken out with extreme prejudice.
Yes, this will be a truly blessed event. We can hardly contain our glee at the upcoming opportunity to spread the message of Christ’s love through the medium of high-yield explosive ordinance. Luckily for us, we will not have to wait long, as the Godly game is set for release in time for Christmas! What a way to celebrate our Lord’s birthday!
Because if Jesus said anything, it was “Kill ‘em all and let my Dad sort ‘em out.”
Or something like that. We forget, exactly.
