SemiConscious Dot Org

As I heroically hacked my way through four weeks worth of unread email this morning, I stumbled across a link sent by the always helpful Notorious BCK, alerting me that a new Thomas Pynchon novel is set for release in December. (Hell, BCK was so helpful that I even stole the title of this post from her email. Hopefully, her team of high-powered lawyers isn’t drawing up the copyright infringement suit as I speak.)

As BCK knows, Pynchon is one of my favorite authors. Back in the days when we worked together, I subjected her and many others to frequent (often drunken) monologues about how “Gravity’s Rainbow is the greatest novel of the late 20th century goddamit.” I would hasten at this point to add that, unlike the vast majority of the people who drunkenly rant about how Gravity’s Rainbow is the greatest novel of the late 20th century goddamit, I have actually read the entire book. Cover to cover. Several times.

According to the description of the upcoming novel, it will be another of Pynchon’s sprawling epics in the style of Rainbow, rather than a more concise, relatively “straightforward” mindfuck along the lines of The Crying of Lot 49.

Since this is Pynchon, the new novel’s release obviously won’t be promoted by a book tour. And those of us who long for an in-depth interview of a man for whom the last known photograph dates to 1953 will no doubt be disappointed again.

But hey, maybe he’ll “appear” on another Simpsons episode.

The newest sensation in the world of extreme sports:

World Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship!

Thirty minutes after his victory, McGill didn’t remember his winning combination.

How did he train for the six-hour mental marathon?

“I shotgunned a ton of beer,” he said. “I listened to a ton of Stevie Wonder. I was nailing that.

“I can’t write a thesis or something like that. I am not very good at intense math or something like that. But rock, paper, scissors is something I am good at. Feels pretty special. I would compare it to Swayze after the filming of ‘Road House.’”

Only time will tell if this ancient sport of kings and warriors will supplant extreme ironing as the “hep” new sport of the “cool kids.” We will, of course, keep a careful eye on this situation, as it goes without saying that, in our line of work, it’s extremely important to be Hep.

Good News, Christians! The Israelis have kickstarted World War III. Huzzah! We salute our friends in the Israeli military, who, despite not believing in Jeebus and thus facing certain fiery death in the Rapture, are nonetheless greatly influenced by the mindset of such Saved Ones as our own Dear Leader. The very same war strategemery that has succeeded so spectacularly in Iraq is now on full display in Lebanon. By stating unequivocably that every man, woman, and child in southern Lebanon is a terrorist, the Israelis demonstrate their allegiance to the DubYa Doctrine, which can be best summed up as “A Terrorist is Whoever We Goddamn Well Say is a Terrorist.” Thus stated, this doctrine can be expanded infinitely, thus ensuring that the War on Terra™ shall be eternal and unending! Glory!

So spectacularly successful has the Israeli policy of “Kill ‘Em All and Let Allah Sort ‘Em Out” been, in fact, that we quiver in anticipation at the imminent arrival of the Rapture, possibly next Tuesday after lunch. So too, apparently, does the mainstream American media, as CNN and ABC and MSNBC have all recently hosted panel discussions such as “End of Days: Should I Pack a Sweater for Heaven?” We expect such insightful analysis from fellow travellers like Reverend Robertson, but now the Formerly America-Hating Taliban-Coddling Liberal Media is finally getting on board the Apocalypse Express as well!

We had initially feared that the Israelis might suffer some political flak from those same Jacobin Peaceniks here in ‘Murrica who have never understood how bombing the mortal shit out of helpless civilians helps spread the cause of Freedom™. Luckily, as they have so many times before, those brave, selfless legions of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders have lumbered into the fray, taking time out from their busy schedule of denouncing Iraq War critics as traitors to America to proclaim all critics of Israeli military policy as anti-semites. Well played, sirs! And if this Godly smear campaign doesn’t work, we can simply do to the naysayers what some enterprising patriots in Orange County, New York did to the neighborhood liberal: leave horse heads in their swimming pools!

America: Love It Or Get Whacked!

Eighteen hours ago, I stepped off the plane. Twelve hours ago, I went to work. Two hours ago, I returned home from work. (At least that’s what I think I did, anyway. I haven’t slept in 39 hours, and I’m pretty sure that low, buzzing sound in my ears is the sound of my synapses fusing together. But I have learned some valuable lessons, I think…)

Okay, maybe “lessons” is too strong a word. “Lessons” would imply that my understanding of, and opinion on, the universe was anything less than 100% perfect to begin with. This is, of course, absurd. So let’s just call these nuggets of epistemilogical brilliance “observations,” shall we?

(more…)

In less than nine hours, I will be stepping on a plane to fly off on my vacation. So what does my boss do? She asks me why the library doesn’t have a collection development policy, and would I please write one today? So I patiently explain to her that a collection development policy, even one for a library as small as ours with no actual book budget, is something that takes research and careful wording, and can’t be pulled out of one’s ass in an hour. (Ok, so I didn’t actually use that exact wording.)

Needless to say, I am not tackling this task until after I get back from vacation. Now, however, I’m going to be thinking about it the entire time, and there is an excellent chance that this will detract from my enjoyment of said vacation. Therefore, it may be necessary to drink far more than I had previously planned, in order to put this out of my mind. Doing so will, of course, be a massive challenge, but I think I’m up to it…

Today is a sad, sad day. One of our heroes, Ken “Kenny Boy” Lay, is dead. Although we would never question the wisdom of Jeebus in deciding when to call one of his true servants home, we can’t help but wish that Kenny Boy would’ve passed one day earlier, as it would have been proper and fitting for the Fourth of July to mark the ascension of a true American hero, one who gave so much to the country he loved while asking so little.

It warms our heart to know that sweet, sweet Kenny Boy is in a better place now, far beyond the reach of those jackal-hearted government lawyers who wanted to take away his hard-earned money and give it to those lazy good-for-nothings from whom he originally liberated it. Indeed, some of these mean, vindictive former employees went so far as to express regret at Kenny Boy’s passing – but only because they wanted to put our hero behind bars!

“I hate this happened. I personally wanted to see him go to jail. But maybe this is God’s way of having justice done,” said Charles Prestwood, a former pipeline operator who retired from Enron in 2000 and later lost $1.3 million in retirement savings.

In the next few days, you will no doubt hear less-than-sympathetic obituaries of Kenny Boy from many in the Obectively Pro-Terrorist Liberal Media. While pretending to praise him, they will in fact seek to blame him for the “energy scandal” in California. These Nattering Nabobs would have you believe that energy transfer schemes with names like “Fat Boy,” “Death Star,” “Get Shorty” and “Ricochet” were somehow less than benevolent in nature! No doubt, the knowledge that Enron ordered power plants shut down to raise prices will be used to suggest Kenny’s company somehow “manufactured” the crisis!

Nothing could be further from the truth! These actions, which at first appear to be the actions of a bloodsucking corporate pirate, are in fact acts of grandmotherly kindness. Kenny Boy and his minions were merely attempting to introduce California’s newly deregulated power industry to the glories of the free market! And yet, he is blamed and reviled, rather than praised as the profit prophet he was. Truly, lonely are the pioneers.

Indeed, Kenny Boy was such a tireless evengelist for the rights of formerly public utilities to engage in predatory business tactics with their captive customers, it is a true shame that the free market’s most visible apostles will not be speaking at his funeral. We speak, of course, of our own exalted Dear Leader and his right hand man, The Dark Lord of Freedom™, as well as California’s current Republican Obergrupenfuhrer, Ah-nuld. Alas, as fitting as eulogy from one or all of them would be, it is unlikely, as neither Dear Leader, nor Big Swingin’ Dick, nor even Herr Governator ever actually met Kenny Boy personally.

Ken Lay, you will be missed. You have joined a long list of Republican martyrs, men of unimpeachable character who were nonetheless brought low by the rabid attack dogs of the media. (As our own patron saint suffered similar treatment, we are intimately familiar with the scenario.) But you’re above all that now, Kenny Boy. You’ve ascended to the Right Hand of Nixon, and they can’t hurt you anymore.

You’re cooking God’s books now.

My long-awaited and desperately-needed vacation starts in two days. In preparation for this blessed event, I have already turned off all those portions of my cerebral cortex not devoted to blogging, listening to music, or dissecting the plot intricacies of my new Lost: Season 1 DVD. My plan is to get absolutely nothing whatsoever done at work in the next two days…much as I’m doing right now. So far, the plan has been an unqualified success.

How ‘Bout Some Ether?

Last Friday, several of the peeps attended the Seattle International Beer Festival. There we sampled and debated the merits of many high-quality, high-alcohol brews from all over the globe.

(More embarassing pictures courtesy of that malevolent shutterbug, Kables.)

The Rapture is Nigh

Returning to work today after the long weekend, I discovered that the school had, once again, been the recipient of a drive-by. This is the second time this has happened since I’ve been working here. Unlike last time, the building was actually hit by bullets; two came through the kitchen windows on the third floor. However, at least this time, nobody was actually in the building while the lead was flying.

Welcome Back, Tannhauser

A couple of months ago, I set up a buddy of mine with a blog on my server. Technical difficulties with my web host soon forced the blog’s deletion. However, I made a backup of all his posts. Lo and behold, the technical diffulties have been solved, and his blog is reborn. Pay him a visit and thrill to his tales of ale, Buffy, and sordid antisocial malfeasance.

Tunes Du Jour

I literally cannot stop listening to this cd. It thrashes, it pummels, it shifts the tectonic plates. It will rewrite your DNA if you let it.

Outrage! On this hallowed day, when we celebrate our Godly nation’s 230th birthday, our intent was to publish a long and tear-jerking tribute to the glories of ‘Murrica. Instead, thanks to recent horrifying events, it is our sad duty to inform you all that our nation is, yet again, under attack from its natural enemies: Liberals who seek to undermine God and His personal spokeman on earth, Dear Leader. How are they accomplishing their evil task? Let us count the ways:

Item the First! The very same US Senate which, one month ago, failed to defend the civil rights of heterosexuals from the insidious evil of gay marriage, has failed us again on another issue of critical importance to the survival of our nation! Yes, last week they failed to outlaw flag-burning. Sure enough, as soon as the vote failed, all the liberal traitors in our neighborhood were outside, burning flags on their front lawns. The smoke created a treasonous smog so thick that we could barely see the hand in front of our face!

Item the Second! The objectively pro-terrorist, Taliban-sympathizing liberals on the Republican-appointed Supreme Court have ruled that Dear Leader cannot lock up terrorism suspects indefinitely without charges or trials! Where will this judicial activism end? Next think you know, they’ll be ruling that Dear Leader can’t use signing statements to ignore any law he feels like ignoring! (Since those liberal traitors in the Senate are already impudently questioning Dear Leader’s minions on this same topic, we know it’s only a matter of time before the Court sticks its nose in as well.)

We have, of course, long held it to be axiomatic that anyone who attempts to impede upon Dear Leader’s freedom to restrict our freedoms in the defense of freedom is an enemy of America. Therefore, the only solution to this problem is to declare the Supreme Court enemy combatants and lock them away with all deliberate speed!

Item the Third! Our nation’s most powerful internal enemy, those America haters at the New York Times, are at it again. First, they publish certain details of a double-super-secret terrorist tracking program whose existence had been a matter of public record for two years. Then, when patriotic ‘Murricans suggested that the Times editor should be convicted of treason and sent to the gas chamber for his heinous sins, his minions struck back with the viciousness that is the exclusive province of Liberals: the Times Travel Section, in the guise of a seemingly innocuous puff piece on the homes of the rich and famous, cleverly gave their allies in al-Qaeda a roadmap to find and assassinate Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld!

Not surprisingly, the moonbat left-wing blogosphere leaped to the Times’ defense, pointing out details such as the fact that Rummy himself had given permission for the photo of his house to be used, and that the Secret Service did not consider the travel piece a threat to Big Swingin’ Dick. And when American patriots published the Times photographer’s home address and urged fellow lovers of freedom to “hunt them down,” the leftist moonbats quickly ratted out those same patriots to the FBI.

All of which proves only one thing: the Secret Service, Rummy’s public affairs office, and the FBI are also infiltrated with America-hating radicals! Great Nixon preserve us, is no one safe? Since it is now painfully obvious that literally anyone – our dentist, the pizza delivery guy, random strangers on the street – may very well be a secret agent of Islamofascism, we are taking no chances. We will be spending America’s birthday holed up in our apartment, twelve guages worth of Remington shotgun pointed at the front door. If anyone knocks, we will assume they are an Enemy attempting to gain access, and dispatch them with extreme speed and savagery. It’s the only sane solution! Glory!