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Every Time a Bell Rings, Kenny Boy Gets His Wings
Today is a sad, sad day. One of our heroes, Ken “Kenny Boy” Lay, is dead. Although we would never question the wisdom of Jeebus in deciding when to call one of his true servants home, we can’t help but wish that Kenny Boy would’ve passed one day earlier, as it would have been proper and fitting for the Fourth of July to mark the ascension of a true American hero, one who gave so much to the country he loved while asking so little.
It warms our heart to know that sweet, sweet Kenny Boy is in a better place now, far beyond the reach of those jackal-hearted government lawyers who wanted to take away his hard-earned money and give it to those lazy good-for-nothings from whom he originally liberated it. Indeed, some of these mean, vindictive former employees went so far as to express regret at Kenny Boy’s passing – but only because they wanted to put our hero behind bars!
“I hate this happened. I personally wanted to see him go to jail. But maybe this is God’s way of having justice done,” said Charles Prestwood, a former pipeline operator who retired from Enron in 2000 and later lost $1.3 million in retirement savings.
In the next few days, you will no doubt hear less-than-sympathetic obituaries of Kenny Boy from many in the Obectively Pro-Terrorist Liberal Media. While pretending to praise him, they will in fact seek to blame him for the “energy scandal” in California. These Nattering Nabobs would have you believe that energy transfer schemes with names like “Fat Boy,” “Death Star,” “Get Shorty” and “Ricochet” were somehow less than benevolent in nature! No doubt, the knowledge that Enron ordered power plants shut down to raise prices will be used to suggest Kenny’s company somehow “manufactured” the crisis!
Nothing could be further from the truth! These actions, which at first appear to be the actions of a bloodsucking corporate pirate, are in fact acts of grandmotherly kindness. Kenny Boy and his minions were merely attempting to introduce California’s newly deregulated power industry to the glories of the free market! And yet, he is blamed and reviled, rather than praised as the profit prophet he was. Truly, lonely are the pioneers.
Indeed, Kenny Boy was such a tireless evengelist for the rights of formerly public utilities to engage in predatory business tactics with their captive customers, it is a true shame that the free market’s most visible apostles will not be speaking at his funeral. We speak, of course, of our own exalted Dear Leader and his right hand man, The Dark Lord of Freedom™, as well as California’s current Republican Obergrupenfuhrer, Ah-nuld. Alas, as fitting as eulogy from one or all of them would be, it is unlikely, as neither Dear Leader, nor Big Swingin’ Dick, nor even Herr Governator ever actually met Kenny Boy personally.
Ken Lay, you will be missed. You have joined a long list of Republican martyrs, men of unimpeachable character who were nonetheless brought low by the rabid attack dogs of the media. (As our own patron saint suffered similar treatment, we are intimately familiar with the scenario.) But you’re above all that now, Kenny Boy. You’ve ascended to the Right Hand of Nixon, and they can’t hurt you anymore.
