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Being a Compendium of Drunkenness, Misanthropy, Eardrum-Shattering Volume…and Librarianship.

Archive for September, 2006

Our “Hump For Jesus” Campaign Was Spectacularly Successful

29 Sep

Good news! The War on Terra will soon be over. “How can this be?” you may ask. “Is the Rapture nigh? Or have we finally bombed all of our Islamocommunofascist enemies into democracy, thus insuring that they will never trouble us again?”

No, alas, this glorious event has not yet come to pass. But fear not! If we are not yet quite ready to totally vanquish the Terrorismists, we are on the verge of completely neutralizing their natural allies, Liberals. How will we accomplish this Godly goal?

Easy: we will simply outbreed them!

As all God-fearing Christians know, your average, garden-variety Liberal is a vacuous, sin-addled elite living in a coastal city with their lesbian life partner and their biodiesel-fueled Subaru Outback plastered with “Think Globally, Act Locally” bumper stickers. Since such folks are also enemies of God and freedom, they naturally ignore the Bible’s command to be fruitful and multiply irregardless of one’s ability to actually feed and clothe and educate these offspring. Some Liberals, in fact, use birth control to deny their Christian duty to stack the rugrats five deep. Some of them even masturbate! One shudders in horror at the thought of billions of innocent Spermatazoa-Americans being murdered every single day! The horruh!

But God will soon be avenged on Liberals for all their wicked, wicked sinning. Statistics plainly show that birth rates in Godly states like Utah and Texas far outstrip those of hedonistic sin dens like Massachusetts and Vermont. Sure, liberals will try to tell you that states with higher birth rates also have higher death rates, higher teen birth rates, and higher rates of infant mortality, heart disease, obesity, smoking, and sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. Liberals may try to use this across-the-board discrepancy as proof that states with lower birth rates are better places to live, but we know the truth: God simply likes Republicans more, and thus calls them home to Glory more quickly and in greater numbers.

Higher “Misery of Life” stats aside, our population growth continues to far outstrip that of the tofu-nibbling patchouli-pukers who infest our coastlines. Soon, terrorism will be a thing of the past, since the greatly reduced number of Liberals will mean that their Islamocommunofascist allies will find no one in America willing to aid their nefarious plots. And once God’s Own Party attains filibuster-proof, supermajority status in both houses of Congress, we will reign supreme over America!

As they near extinction, the last Liberal “dead-enders” will no doubt attempt to cause us discomfort with marches and protests and other such nonsense…but we’ll take care of ‘em. After all, what else is Haliburton for?

Glory!

Olbermann Loves The Clenis And Terror

26 Sep

We have, on several occasions in the past, noted the extreme degree to which Keith “Taliban Snuggler” Olbermann hates America. Apparently, we even we did not fully realize just how deep that loathing runs. All it took to set him off was for the patriotic Republican media at ABC and Fox to affix blame for 9/11 where it so obviously belongs: squarely on the head of Olbermann’s (and Al-Qaeda’s) personal hero, Bill Clinton. This provoked a rabid Tali-mann televised tirade, as he laughably attempted to deflect culpability for the WTC attacks away from Clinton’s penis and onto some supposed “negligence” on the part of our current, entirely blameless Dear Leader!

So that you may understand fully the deep, dark, bespeckled face of America Hatred, we have included the full transcript of Traitormann’s entirely unjustified attack upon Dear Leader and His administration. (Shocking, blasphemous video available here. )

And finally tonight, a Special Comment about President Clinton’s interview. The headlines about them are, of course, entirely wrong. It is not essential that a past President, bullied and sandbagged by a monkey posing as a newscaster, finally lashed back.

It is not important that the current President’s “portable public chorus” has described his predecessor’s tone as “crazed.”

Our tone should be crazed. The nation’s freedoms are under assault by an administration whose policies can do us as much damage as Al-Qaeda; the nation’s “marketplace of ideas” is being poisoned, by a propaganda company so blatant that Tokyo Rose would’ve quit. Nonetheless.

The headline is this: Bill Clinton did what almost none of us have done, in five years. He has spoken the truth about 9/11, and the current presidential administration.

“At least I tried,” he said of his own efforts to capture or kill Osama Bin Laden. “That’s the difference in me and some, including all of the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They had eight months to try; they did not try. I tried.”

Thus in his supposed emeritus years, has Mr. Clinton taken forceful and triumphant action for honesty, and for us; action as vital and as courageous as any of his presidency; action as startling and as liberating, as any, by anyone, in these last five long years.

The Bush Administration did not try to get Osama Bin Laden before 9/11.

The Bush Administration ignored all the evidence gathered by its predecessors.

The Bush Administration did not understand the Daily Briefing entitled “Bin Laden Determined To Strike in U.S.”

The Bush Administration… did… not… try.

Moreover, for the last five years one month and two weeks, the current administration, and in particular the President, has been given the greatest “pass” for incompetence and malfeasance, in American history!

President Roosevelt was rightly blamed for ignoring the warning signs — some of them, 17 years old — before Pearl Harbor.

President Hoover was correctly blamed for — if not the Great Depression itself — then the disastrous economic steps he took in the immediate aftermath of the Stock Market Crash.

Even President Lincoln assumed some measure of responsibility for the Civil War — though talk of Southern secession had begun as early as 1832.

But not this President.

To hear him bleat and whine and bully at nearly every opportunity, one would think someone else had been President on September 11th, 2001 — or the nearly eight months that preceded it.

That hardly reflects the honesty nor manliness we expect of the Executive.

But if his own fitness to serve is of no true concern to him, perhaps we should simply sigh and keep our fingers crossed, until a grown-up takes the job three Januarys from now.

Except… for this:

After five years of skirting even the most inarguable of facts — that he was President on 9/11 and he must bear some responsibility for his, and our, unreadiness, Mr. Bush has now moved, unmistakably and without conscience or shame, towards re-writing history, and attempting to make the responsibility, entirely Mr. Clinton’s.

Of course he is not honest enough to do that directly.

As with all the other nefariousness and slime of this, our worst presidency since James Buchanan, he is having it done for him, by proxy.

Thus, the sandbag effort by Fox News, Friday afternoon.

Consider the timing: The very same weekend the National Intelligence Estimate would be released and show the Iraq war to be the fraudulent failure it is — not a check on terror, but fertilizer for it!

The kind of proof of incompetence, for which the administration and its hyenas at Fox need to find a diversion, in a scapegoat.

It was the kind of cheap trick which would get a journalist fired — but a propagandist, promoted:

Promise to talk of charity and generosity; but instead launch into the lies and distortions with which the Authoritarians among us attack the virtuous and reward the useless.

And don’t even be professional enough to assume the responsibility for the slanders yourself; blame your audience for “e-mailing” you the question.

Mr. Clinton responded as you have seen.

He told the great truth un-told… about this administration’s negligence, perhaps criminal negligence, about Bin Laden.

He was brave.

Then again, Chris Wallace might be braver still. Had I — in one moment surrendered all my credibility as a journalist — and been irredeemably humiliated, as was he, I would have gone home and started a new career selling seeds by mail.

The smearing by proxy, of course, did not begin Friday afternoon.

Disney was first to sell-out its corporate reputation, with “The Path to 9/11.”

Of that company’s crimes against truth one needs to say little. Simply put: someone there enabled an Authoritarian zealot to belch out Mr. Bush’s new and improved history.

The basic plot-line was this: because he was distracted by the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Bill Clinton failed to prevent 9/11.

The most curious and in some ways the most infuriating aspect of this slapdash theory, is that the Right Wingers who have advocated it — who try to sneak it into our collective consciousness through entertainment, or who sandbag Mr. Clinton with it at news interviews — have simply skipped past its most glaring flaw.

Had it been true that Clinton had been distracted from the hunt for Bin Laden in 1998 because of the Lewinsky nonsense — why did these same people not applaud him for having bombed Bin Laden’s camps in Afghanistan and Sudan on August 20th of that year? For mentioning Bin Laden by name as he did so?

That day, Republican Senator Grams of Minnesota invoked the movie “Wag The Dog.”

Republican Senator Coats of Indiana questioned Mr. Clinton’s judgment.

Republican Senator Ashcroft of Missouri — the future Attorney General — echoed Coats.

Even Republican Senator Arlen Specter questioned the timing.

And of course, were it true Clinton had been “distracted” by the Lewinsky witch-hunt — who on earth conducted the Lewinsky witch-hunt? Who turned the political discourse of this nation on its head for two years?

Who corrupted the political media?

Who made it impossible for us to even bring back on the air, the counter-terrorism analysts like Dr. Richard Haass, and James Dunegan, who had warned, at this very hour, on this very network, in early 1998, of cells from the Middle East who sought to attack us, here?

Who preempted them… in order to strangle us with the trivia that was… “All Monica All The Time”?

Who… distracted whom?

This is, of course, where — as is inevitable — Mr. Bush and his henchmen prove not quite as smart as they think they are.

The full responsibility for 9/11 is obviously shared by three administrations, possibly four.

But, Mr. Bush, if you are now trying to convince us by proxy that it’s all about the distractions of 1998 and 1999, then you will have to face a startling fact that your minions may have hidden from you.

The distractions of 1998 and 1999, Mr. Bush, were carefully manufactured, and lovingly executed, not by Bill Clinton… but by the same people who got you… elected President.

Thus instead of some commendable acknowledgment that you were even in office on 9/11 and the lost months before it… we have your sleazy and sloppy rewriting of history, designed by somebody who evidently read the Orwell playbook too quickly.

Thus instead of some explanation for the inertia of your first eight months in office, we are told that you have kept us “safe” ever since — a statement that might range anywhere from Zero, to One Hundred Percent, true.

We have nothing but your word, and your word has long since ceased to mean anything.

And, of course, the one time you have ever given us specifics about what you have kept us safe from, Mr. Bush — you got the name of the supposedly targeted Tower in Los Angeles… wrong.

Thus was it left for the previous President to say what so many of us have felt; what so many of us have given you a pass for in the months and even the years after the attack:

You did not try.

You ignored the evidence gathered by your predecessor.

You ignored the evidence gathered by your own people.

Then, you blamed your predecessor.

That would be the textbook definition… Sir, of cowardice.

To enforce the lies of the present, it is necessary to erase the truths of the past.

That was one of the great mechanical realities Eric Blair — writing as George Orwell — gave us in the novel “1984.”

The great philosophical reality he gave us, Mr. Bush, may sound as familiar to you, as it has lately begun to sound familiar to me.

“The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power…

“Power is not a means; it is an end.

“One does not establish a dictatorship to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship.

“The object of persecution, is persecution. The object of torture, is torture. The object of power… is power.”

Earlier last Friday afternoon, before the Fox ambush, speaking in the far different context of the closing session of his remarkable Global Initiative, Mr. Clinton quoted Abraham Lincoln’s State of the Union address from 1862.

“We must disenthrall ourselves.”

Mr. Clinton did not quote the rest of Mr. Lincoln’s sentence. He might well have.

“We must disenthrall ourselves — and then… we shall save our country.”

And so has Mr. Clinton helped us to disenthrall ourselves, and perhaps enabled us, even at this late and bleak date… to save… our… country.

The “free pass” has been withdrawn, Mr. Bush…

You did not act to prevent 9/11.

We do not know what you have done, to prevent another 9/11.

You have failed us — then leveraged that failure, to justify a purposeless war in Iraq which will have, all too soon, claimed more American lives than did 9/11.

You have failed us anew in Afghanistan.

And you have now tried to hide your failures, by blaming your predecessor.

And now you exploit your failure, to rationalize brazen torture — which doesn’t work anyway; which only condemns our soldiers to water-boarding; which only humiliates our country further in the world; and which no true American would ever condone, let alone advocate.And there it is, sir:

Are yours the actions of a true American?

I’m K.O., good night, and good luck.

Dear Leader Convenes a Cabinet Meeting

22 Sep

Snausages

Best Music of 2006 (Fall Installment)

20 Sep

After an excruciatingly slow start, 2006 is shaping up as a pretty damn fine year for new music. Unlike 2005, I haven’t yet heard a no-brainer candidate for Album of the Year, but top to bottom, I think there’s more overall quality. Everything I was digging back in June has held up nicely, and a brand new batch of releases are currently making my skull vibrate with glee.

The Drones, Gala Mill
The bastard sons of Nick Cave and Neil Young. It’s raw and sloppy and slow and boozy and poetic and fucking brilliant. Listening to this makes me want to drink whiskey, and I normally hate whiskey. This is the current clubhouse leader for my favorite album of 2006.

But, it could easily be supplanted by

Mastodon, Blood Mountain
With each successive release, Mastodon has gradually inched down their ear-splitting guitar sound in favor of ever more complex arrangements, complex lyrics, and actual singing (as opposed to mere growling and yelling.) But when you’re as brutally heavy as these guys, you can get away with mixing in some prog without sounding like you’ve gone soft. This is a worthy followup to 2004’s mighty Leviathan, and it’s growing on me like a tumor.

Other new stuff in heavy rotation:

Comets on Fire, Avatar
Another left turn. The MC5-meets-Hawkwind roar of Blue Cathedral is still there, but they’ve mellowed things out significantly, at times skirting dangerously close to jam band territory. That oughta scare off the Pitchfork Medias of the world for good, thank god.

Hank Williams III, Straight to Hell
I don’t listen to country very often, but when I do, I want the pure shit. Hank 3 is pure as all fuck. Thank Jeebus he sounds like his grandaddy and nothing at all like his Monday-Night-Football-and-light-beer-shilling buffoon of a father.

The Melvins, A Senile Animal
How Buzz Osbourne continues to come up with all these killer riffs after 20 years is beyond me, but he does. And they’ve dispensed with the deliberate weirdness of their past few albums to release their most straightforward rock album since 1994’s Stoner Witch.

Thom Yorke, The Eraser
Oh joy, 40 minutes of Thom Yorke noodling on a laptop. If I wanted that, I’d brush the multiple layers of dust off my copy of Kid A. Surprisingly, though, I actually like this. Maybe because, this time, he actually bothered to embed some songs amidst all the electronic beeps n’ burps.

Pink Mountaintops, Axis of Evol
Stephen McBean is a weird, weird guy who makes weird, weird music. That’s all I have to say on the topic. Just read the review.

Once I have slowly and fully digested these albums, I will begin the solemn task of listening to the upcoming new release from Isis. Such an endeavor should only be undertaken with the proper diligence and respect, so I must cleanse my musical palette thoroughly before even attempting it.

She Puts the “Curvy” in “Scurvy”

19 Sep

It’s the most wonderful time, of the year…

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY! YARRRR!!!!!

Other than St. Patrick’s Day, there isn’t a holier or more important holiday on the entire calendar! Avast, me hearties! Shiver me timbers! Where’s me grog and buxom wenches? I’ll keelhaul the lot of ye!

And so on.

Tonight I’m Gonna Party Like It’s 1199

15 Sep

Since the events of 9/11, it has been perfectly obvious to all real Americans that Dear Leader and his administration must have unfettered powers to prosecute his War on Terra. When civil libertarians and other enemies of Freedom argue that a President ignoring laws he doesn’t like represents a grave danger to democracy, this merely shows that they have a Pre 9/11 Mindset and are unserious about combatting terrorism.

We are worried, however, that this expansion of Presidential powers, while welcome and necessary, does not go far enough. It’s all well and good to repeal the Constitution, but what about the documents it was based on? The Magna Carta was written in 1215, and its sadly antiquated limits on the Divine Right of Kings are no longer relevant to the Post-9/11 world. So let’s get rid of ‘em!

White House Spokesman Tony Snow: The Geneva Convention prohibition on torture means whatever the fuck we say it does. How ya like that, eggheads?

Q Tony, I’m confused. Everybody I talked to today on the Hill says, look, you’ve had the Geneva Conventions in place since 1947. This isn’t the Migratory Birds Treaty we’re talking about. This is the Geneva Conventions.

MR. SNOW: Right.

Q And it’s a very simple argument. We don’t want to talk about the definition of amend or change, but that it stands on its own as written, hasn’t been tinkered with since 1947, doesn’t need to be tinkered with now. So if that seems to be the position from a former JAG and a former POW and a former Secretary of the Navy, where’s the room to work anything out?

*********

Q What are other countries to make of the U.S., as you put it, adding definition to the Geneva Convention? Is the U.S., in effect, saying, all the rest of you do this, too—adversaries and friends, alike?

MR. SNOW: Look, I think this is something that we’d be—we would not be frightened if adversaries did this. We would not be at all frightened if they did this.

Warrantless wiretaps of American citizens is illegal? Fine, we’ll just have our lapdogs in Congress make it legal – retroactively!

Specter, who called NSA’s warrantless surveillance a “festering sore on our body politic,” champions his bill, since it allows, but does nor require, the administration to submit the whole surveillance program to review by a secretive court. Specter says President Bush promised to submit the NSA program to the court, if the bill passes.

As Dear Leader and his minions constantly remind us, we are at war with Islamofascists who want to destroy our Freedom. It should be perfectly obvious that, in order to thwart their designs, we must destroy our own Freedom first and thus deny them the satisfaction. That’ll show ‘em!

Divine Right of Preznits, bitches!

A Victory For Freedom

14 Sep

We were greatly saddened last week to hear of the death of the Croc Hunter. However, we are now overjoyed to learn that some brave, patriotic Australians have taken it upon themselves to revenge his death by killing the species responsible. We are not unaware of the irony of this situation, as the Croc Hunter himself would no doubt be horrified that the animals he so loved were being killed in his name. But that’s just because he, swell guy though he was, suffered from the same Pre 9/11 Mentality that unfortunately still inflicts many.

In this Brave New World, the definition of “terrorist” has been redefined to “anybody who hurts someone we like.” That includes dumb animals too, pal. Sure, it sounds harsh when applied to the killing of a creature with a brain the size of a walnut, but desperate times demand desperate measures. We need more people prepared to do anything that needs to be done in defense of Freedom™... or at least some pundits willing to bloviate in favor of those things.

Only through relentless persecution and extermination of anyone or anything that makes us uncomfortable will we ever be free. This simple maxim holds ever true, whether the enemy in question is a terrorist, liberal, or Australian stingray. Glory!

Age = Dumbness

13 Sep

So here I am, three days into the new school year.

Among the new students are four little Muslim girls, all sisters, ranging in age from six to ten. They all need to leave class a couple of times each day and go out into the hall to pray. The other kids, far from thinking this was weird or different, were all interested in knowing why they did this, which led to an impromptu schoolwide assembly discussing all the major world religions and the differences between them. Since (despite whatever preconceptions one might have about who constitutes “the homeless”) our kids come from every conceivable racial, religious, and ethnic group, everybody learned something and had something to contribute.

Am I being overly optimistic in finding something hopeful in all this? Lord knows, you’d be hard pressed to cross paths with anyone more cynical than I, but I found it extremely heartening that the Post 9/11 fear and paranoia of “The Other” doesn’t seem to have affected these kids. There are, of course, students here who don’t like other students, but from what I can tell, the emnities are based entirely on the respective personalities of the individuals involved. Their cultural differences don’t seem to matter much at all. It’s only adults who are stupid enough to give any credence to this idiotic “My Invisible Sky Fairy Is Better Than Your Invisible Sky Fairy” nonsense.

Or maybe I am being too optimistic; maybe they all get along because they are so young, and the poisons that infest our society and species simply haven’t started to work on them yet. We all evolved from monkeys, and we’ve spent the vast majority of our many millenia on this planet acting exactly like monkeys: forming into packs, flexing our muscles, howling, and throwing shit at one another. Am I stupid and naive to hope that these kids will somehow be able to transcend that which we’ve so manifestly failed to?

If I am grasping at straws, then so be it. The world as currently constituted cannot continue much longer: we are at war with madmen who think “God” is on their side, and we are led by madmen who think “God” is on their side. Both groups are perfectly content with destroying the entire human race in furtherance of that belief. One group already has the capability to do so; the other will have it eventually.

Maybe kids like ours can change all that. Maybe not.

“Maybe” is a thin reed to hang your whole life on, but it’s all we’ve got. -Robert Anton Wilson, Cosmic Trigger

Now That’s What We Call “Doing Hard Time”

12 Sep

We can hardly wait to see what kind of freaky-ass perverted web searches show up in our server logs after this post:

Driver crashes into bus while using penis pump!

Judge caught using penis pump in courtroom faces stiff sentence!

Airplane passenger tells security his penis pump is a bomb!

(Links courtesy of Bishop Loquacious Highfinger.)

9/11 Verdict: The Clenis Did It!

11 Sep

Today, we Republicans mark our fifth anniversary of not having a pre-9/11 mindset. For five years now, Dear Leader and his minions have tirelessly fought the good fight against all those enemies (namely, Democrats and the Bill of Rights) who would destroy America’s greatness. On this most solemn of days, a day that calls all Americans to a unity of purpose and defense of freedom, it heartens us greatly to note that those patriots at ABC will attempt to teach us that day’s most enduring lesson – namely, that Dear Leader is blameless and that it was all Bill Clinton’s fault.

Obviously, all real Americans instinctively know this to be true already, but since the soulless, remorseless Left has been relentless in their attempts to deflect blame from The Clenis, it’s a message that must be constantly repeated over and over and over again. (To quote Dear Leader himself, we must always “Catapult the Propaganda.”)

Oh sure, The Left will try to tell you that the movie was written by a conservative activist and is partly based on information from a Bush administration PR official. Further, they will try to confuse you into believing that, since the climactic scene blaming the Clenis administration for not capturing Bin Laden never actually happened, it is somehow “false!” Heck, they may even tell you that, politics aside, the movie is just plain terrible! But fear not: our allies in the patriotic, America-loving Republican wing of the media have leapt to the film’s defense, praising its many virtues while simultaneously keeping up the attack on the Clenis.

While the “Blame Clenis” division of the War on Terra has been spectacularly efficient, the War’s secondary operation (that of actually catching Bin Laden) has been somewhat less successful. Nevertheless, blessed as we are with a Preznit who, unlike Clinton, has never let a terrorist mastermind get away, and loyal allies like Pakistan who will stop at nothing to thwart the Taliban, we are assured of eventual total victory.

We salute you, ABC and conservative media! Your tireless efforts to deflect criticism from Dear Leader and glorify his God-appointed regime, unfettered by the limitations imposed by such fripperies as “evidence” and “facts,” are in the finest tradition of such visionary filmmakers as Leni Riefenstahl and D.W. Griffith. Glory!

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