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Our “Hump For Jesus” Campaign Was Spectacularly Successful
Good news! The War on Terra will soon be over. “How can this be?” you may ask. “Is the Rapture nigh? Or have we finally bombed all of our Islamocommunofascist enemies into democracy, thus insuring that they will never trouble us again?”
No, alas, this glorious event has not yet come to pass. But fear not! If we are not yet quite ready to totally vanquish the Terrorismists, we are on the verge of completely neutralizing their natural allies, Liberals. How will we accomplish this Godly goal?
Easy: we will simply outbreed them!
As all God-fearing Christians know, your average, garden-variety Liberal is a vacuous, sin-addled elite living in a coastal city with their lesbian life partner and their biodiesel-fueled Subaru Outback plastered with “Think Globally, Act Locally” bumper stickers. Since such folks are also enemies of God and freedom, they naturally ignore the Bible’s command to be fruitful and multiply irregardless of one’s ability to actually feed and clothe and educate these offspring. Some Liberals, in fact, use birth control to deny their Christian duty to stack the rugrats five deep. Some of them even masturbate! One shudders in horror at the thought of billions of innocent Spermatazoa-Americans being murdered every single day! The horruh!
But God will soon be avenged on Liberals for all their wicked, wicked sinning. Statistics plainly show that birth rates in Godly states like Utah and Texas far outstrip those of hedonistic sin dens like Massachusetts and Vermont. Sure, liberals will try to tell you that states with higher birth rates also have higher death rates, higher teen birth rates, and higher rates of infant mortality, heart disease, obesity, smoking, and sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. Liberals may try to use this across-the-board discrepancy as proof that states with lower birth rates are better places to live, but we know the truth: God simply likes Republicans more, and thus calls them home to Glory more quickly and in greater numbers.
Higher “Misery of Life” stats aside, our population growth continues to far outstrip that of the tofu-nibbling patchouli-pukers who infest our coastlines. Soon, terrorism will be a thing of the past, since the greatly reduced number of Liberals will mean that their Islamocommunofascist allies will find no one in America willing to aid their nefarious plots. And once God’s Own Party attains filibuster-proof, supermajority status in both houses of Congress, we will reign supreme over America!
As they near extinction, the last Liberal “dead-enders” will no doubt attempt to cause us discomfort with marches and protests and other such nonsense…but we’ll take care of ‘em. After all, what else is Haliburton for?
Glory!
