SemiConscious Dot Org

Yes, we’ve come again to that dark day. Just as true Christians celebrate Christmas and Easter (which have nothing whatsoever to do with paganism), Wiccans, Pagans, Secularists, insufficiently fundamentalist “Christians,” advocates of “religious tolerance,” and other hellbound heretics celebrate Halloween, the birthday of their Dark Master.

Yesterday, the summit of Mount Washington, New Hampshire, was battered by a 158 mph wind gust. Do you think this was a coincidence? The eggheads may say it was due to “a storm system moving away and high pressure moving in” or some such nonsense, but we know the real cause! It was Satan, laughing in anticipation of another night of harvesting souls!

Yes, it’s All Hallow’s Eve, when Beelzebub corrupts your children through the irresistible twin seductions of sugar-packed candy and Borat costumes.

Luckily, in addition to keeping your children home from school, barring the doors and windows, and spending the day reading Jack T. Chick tracts and burning Harry Potter books, there are other constructive options available to Christians on this most unholy of days. To aid those wishing to convert the hellbound who will soon be knocking at their doors, the indomitable prayer warriors at Landover Baptist Church have produced a helpful list of Halloween Witnessing Tips. (For the more theologically aggressive of you, they also offer tips for hunting Wiccans.) If all the Saved follow Landover’s advice, in no time we’ll turn Halloween into “Holyween!” Glory!

It’s hard work being a prophet. When one first receives visions from The Lord, the tendency is to chalk it up to fever or consumption or bad sushi or binge drinking or acid flashbacks or any of the other normal, everyday travails of a modern day church leader. Nonetheless, when the visions keep arriving, one can no longer ignore them or dismiss them as aberrations. (One could, we suppose, evince them as evidence of an impending mental breakdown, but that idea is, of course, absurd.)

Furthermore, we feel it is important to have these Holy Visions available for public consumption on the Internets, so that many years from now, when we are regarded as one of the most influential religious figures of this or any other century, our every utterance will be in the public domain, available for perusal by our legions of slavishly dedicated followers.

You’re welcome in advance.

        

Staff meetings bore the living shit out of me. So much otherwise productive time wasted, listening to management blathering on, ad nauseum, about topics that could be adequately exhausted in a three paragraph All Staff email. The fact that these meetings always take place in the library after school lets out (ie, the exact time I’m usually shutting the door and cranking up the tunes so I can get some work done) makes them even more annoying. Hate ‘em, hate ‘em, hate ‘em.

Recently, I’ve given up even the pretense of paying attention during these meetings, and have spent my time doodling in my notebook. It’s the perfect cover, because to the uninformed observer, it looks like I’m furiously taking notes about the crushingly important topic at hand.

For some reason that still escapes me, I’ve started scanning and uploading these bizarre little doodles to my Flickr page. I’m sure these scribblings reveal far more than is wise in a public forum about the sordid depths of my depravity…and to dozens of complete strangers, to boot! And Lord knows, I sure as shit can’t draw.

Oh well, buy the ticket, take the ride.

It goes without saying that we applaud last month’s Senate bill that gives Dear Leader the tools he needs to combat the threat of Terra. Habeas Corpus, the right to trial by a jury of one’s peers, and the Geneva Conventions were Old Europe, Pre 9/11 Mindset laws anyway, quaint and totally unsuited to this Brave New World.

Predictably, many of the usual Chicken Littles squawked over the Senate bill, attempting to fill the public’s heads with phantom fears of law enforcement run amok, abusing their powers. To silence the naysayers, and to prove to the rest of you that such fears are groundless, we note a recent case in which Dear Leader’s brown-shirted blue-suited protectors used restraint, prudence, and a sense of perspective in combatting one of the greatest terrorismist threats facing America today: 14 year old girls calling Dear Leader an idiot on Myspace!

While we agree wholeheartedly with the agents’ actions in rounding up this young punk, we are sorely disappointed with their eventual decision to let her go. Since annoying people on the Internets is now illegal, they would’ve been perfectly within their rights to charge her with a federal crime. Perhaps a little quality time with our friend Mr. Waterboard will set her straight!

Damn whippersnappers! Git offa mah lawn and into Gitmo!

The Rapture Is Nigh, Part 63,452:

Krispy Kreme Burger.

And for dessert? Fried Coke.

With the Satanic Pagan holiday Halloween just around the corner, it seems an opportune time to inform our loyal readers that America is quickly being taken over by monsters. And by “Monsters,” we of course mean “Liberals.” It’s not enough for The Left to undermine the War On Terra™; no, the propogation of their vile creed requires that they also destroy America from the inside, by undermining the traditional family.

Sadly, it appears their efforts may have succeeded. For the first time in the 230-year history of God’s Favorite Country, godless sinner households outnumber proper, Heaven-bound married households.

What it boils down to is that our Shining City On A Hill is under attack from legions of mincing, lisping, immaculately dressed Visigoths. It’s getting so that a proper Christian can no longer do his Godly duty and discriminate against the gays without fear of opposition! Moreover, the business world, formerly the exclusive arena of men while the women stayed home to serve Christ in domestic servitude, is being overrun by hordes of heavily tattooed sluts! For two hundred years, Our Nation survived on a rigid, morally upstanding code of “Man in Office, Woman in Kitchen, Gays in Closet.” Now that code is crumbling down around our ears!

We’re not sure if this loathsome trend can be reversed, if the hedonistic slutty-dressing body-inking kinky-sex-loving sin-living new majority can somehow be forced back towards the proper conservative lifestyle that has proven so spectacularly successful in The Red States. But the news is not all bad: if, indeed, we must write off this generation as irrevocably Hellbound, there is still hope for the future. After all, we can always outbreed them.

Glory!

The news in the War on Terra™ could not be worse, O flock. In the latest sign that the America-Hating Left is winning the battle for hearts and minds, the BBC (British Broadcasting Communists) just published a blasphemous survey stating that 58% of Americans were opposed to torture under any circumstances. (Not surprisingly, The Left and their terrorist-loving Old European allies are actually upset over the only good news in the report, namely that 36% of Americans still support Dear Leader and Freedom™. )

As their egghead type usually does, The Left has produced a bunch of charts and graphs to “prove” their “point.” However, in the interest of clearing the air as to what we’re really talking about here, we have altered one of the graphs to display more accurate categories:

As one can plainly see from the graph, our “Luv Freedom” ranking, while predictably depressed from years of Leftist progaganda, is still higher than all but 8 of the 25 countries surveyed, and places us in comparable standing with such Freedom™-loving democracies as Russia, China, and Iraq. Note, also, that we rank significantly higher than our immediate neighbors, Canadastan and Mexicostan, where only 22% and 24% love Freedom™, respectively. Perhaps we should take the threat of Islamohispanifascists sneaking over our southern border a bit more seriously, eh?

Glory!

In days as dark as these, when humanity’s spiral down the Cosmic Toilet seems to be both irreversible and accelerating, one cries out for a sign, any sign at all, that we haven’t passed the point of no return, that our species still retains some qualities worthy of saving and preserving. Well, folks, that’s why I’m here: to brighten your day, to lift you up, to bring you Good News. It’s my calling in life, and one I relish.

Therefore, it’s my great pleasure to inform you that, according to a new BBC survey, ONLY 36% of Americans are morally stunted retards! Hooray!

Not to pretend that moral arguments ever work, but also: torturing another human being is wrong. Period. If you’re a Christian, as the saying goes: what would Jesus do? I’m no expert, but my guess he probably would not hold a blowtorch to anyone’s genitals, no matter how many episodes of 24 you’ve seen. Either you believe your damn religion or you don’t.

I bring up the torture thing today because of this new BBC survey on attitudes toward torture in 25 countries around the world. About 27,000 people were asked if they (a) opposed all use of torture, (b) would consent to the use of torture “if it may gain information that saves innocent lives,” or© had no clue.

Given the vividly public position of experts in the field and the absolute unambiguity of every major religion on the topic, the question really amounts to little more than asking if you’re (a) well-informed, decent, and sane, (b) willing to compromise your morals on a false premise, or© unable to distinguish between the two.

Yes, that’s right! When Americans were surveyed on their attitudes towards torture, a full 58% took the default position of any human being with a functioning conscience, which is that torture is never justified. Only 36% said that it was sometimes justified (which shall forever henceforth be referred to as the “Morally Stunted Retard” position.) Considering that the Pro-Torture Morally Stunted Retard Party has controlled all three branches of government for six long, horrific years, I would’ve expected the percentage of Morally Stunted Retards in the general population to be much higher. This, people, is a victory! Huzzah!

And the news gets even better: While the USA’s percentage of Morally Stunted Retards was higher than those of sixteen other countries surveyed, it was lower than eight countries! That’s right: in our commitment to human decency and the rule of law, we are ahead of such bastions of democracy as Iraq and Russia and China! Take a collective bow, America! You’ve earned it.

See, don’t you feel better now? You’re welcome.

‘’That’s not the way the world really works anymore,’’ he continued. ‘’We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality – judiciously, as you will – we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.’‘

– Bush administration official, quoted by Ron Suskind

Last week, in its latest attempt to destroy Freedom™, The Left published a report claiming that 650,000 Iraqis have been killed since Dear Leader launched His Holy War in 2003. Keeping in mind P.J. O’Rourke’s dictum that “The Arabs invented the zero, but they also invented the six zeros after that,” Dear Leader dismissed the numbers out of hand, while simultaneously praising the Iraqis for their tolerance of violence.

For far too long, God’s Own Party was hopelessly wrapped up in outdated, antiquated ideas about words and numbers having to “mean” “something.” Now, thanks to the guidance of Dear Leader and His Neocons, they have fully embraced the precepts of Postmodernism. What’s another zero here or there when you’re talking about spreading Freedom™? Zeros, like all other numbers, have only the meaning Dear Leader assigns to them! Likewise, the Constitution and the Geneva Conventions only “mean” whatever Dear Leader decides they “mean,” which renders all this complaining on the part of communist librarians and libertarian penguins no more relevant than the barking of dumb dogs. For how can the American Republic be dead when it had “life” only within the brain-pan of the all-powerful Great and Good Dear Leader to begin with? Glory!

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
– Salvador Dali

It is said that divine inspiration is indistinguishable from madness. We will leave it to others to make that judgement, but we feel confident that these doodles from a boring staff meeting visions vouchsafed to us by the Lord speak for themselves. Glory!