SemiConscious Dot Org

The news in the War on Terra™ could not be worse, O flock. In the latest sign that the America-Hating Left is winning the battle for hearts and minds, the BBC (British Broadcasting Communists) just published a blasphemous survey stating that 58% of Americans were opposed to torture under any circumstances. (Not surprisingly, The Left and their terrorist-loving Old European allies are actually upset over the only good news in the report, namely that 36% of Americans still support Dear Leader and Freedom™. )

As their egghead type usually does, The Left has produced a bunch of charts and graphs to “prove” their “point.” However, in the interest of clearing the air as to what we’re really talking about here, we have altered one of the graphs to display more accurate categories:

As one can plainly see from the graph, our “Luv Freedom” ranking, while predictably depressed from years of Leftist progaganda, is still higher than all but 8 of the 25 countries surveyed, and places us in comparable standing with such Freedom™-loving democracies as Russia, China, and Iraq. Note, also, that we rank significantly higher than our immediate neighbors, Canadastan and Mexicostan, where only 22% and 24% love Freedom™, respectively. Perhaps we should take the threat of Islamohispanifascists sneaking over our southern border a bit more seriously, eh?

Glory!

In days as dark as these, when humanity’s spiral down the Cosmic Toilet seems to be both irreversible and accelerating, one cries out for a sign, any sign at all, that we haven’t passed the point of no return, that our species still retains some qualities worthy of saving and preserving. Well, folks, that’s why I’m here: to brighten your day, to lift you up, to bring you Good News. It’s my calling in life, and one I relish.

Therefore, it’s my great pleasure to inform you that, according to a new BBC survey, ONLY 36% of Americans are morally stunted retards! Hooray!

Not to pretend that moral arguments ever work, but also: torturing another human being is wrong. Period. If you’re a Christian, as the saying goes: what would Jesus do? I’m no expert, but my guess he probably would not hold a blowtorch to anyone’s genitals, no matter how many episodes of 24 you’ve seen. Either you believe your damn religion or you don’t.

I bring up the torture thing today because of this new BBC survey on attitudes toward torture in 25 countries around the world. About 27,000 people were asked if they (a) opposed all use of torture, (b) would consent to the use of torture “if it may gain information that saves innocent lives,” or© had no clue.

Given the vividly public position of experts in the field and the absolute unambiguity of every major religion on the topic, the question really amounts to little more than asking if you’re (a) well-informed, decent, and sane, (b) willing to compromise your morals on a false premise, or© unable to distinguish between the two.

Yes, that’s right! When Americans were surveyed on their attitudes towards torture, a full 58% took the default position of any human being with a functioning conscience, which is that torture is never justified. Only 36% said that it was sometimes justified (which shall forever henceforth be referred to as the “Morally Stunted Retard” position.) Considering that the Pro-Torture Morally Stunted Retard Party has controlled all three branches of government for six long, horrific years, I would’ve expected the percentage of Morally Stunted Retards in the general population to be much higher. This, people, is a victory! Huzzah!

And the news gets even better: While the USA’s percentage of Morally Stunted Retards was higher than those of sixteen other countries surveyed, it was lower than eight countries! That’s right: in our commitment to human decency and the rule of law, we are ahead of such bastions of democracy as Iraq and Russia and China! Take a collective bow, America! You’ve earned it.

See, don’t you feel better now? You’re welcome.