SemiConscious Dot Org

Two days ago, this city received perhaps a quarter inch of snow and sleet. This has been followed by an unusual “cold snap” that has kept temperatures down around freezing.

Because of this, I am now enjoying my second consecutive day off from work, because the entire City of Seattle school system has been shut down by the “winter emergency.”

The local news stations are predicting an additional 1-3 inches of snow tonight, at which point I fully expect them to change their hourly “Deep Freeze ‘06” updates to “Blizzard ‘06” updates.

I may never have to work again!

In the wake of God’s Own Party’s stunning loss to the Terrorists, Dear Leader has bravely resolved to turn “Liberals into Liberalade,” generously vowing to pretend that he gives a shit what Congress thinks reach out in that spirit of bipartisanship which is his hallmark.

Alas, the Democrat Party is not interested in compromise:

At a private reception held at the White House with newly elected lawmakers shortly after the election, Bush asked Webb how his son, a Marine lance corporal serving in Iraq, was doing.

Webb responded that he really wanted to see his son brought back home, said a person who heard about the exchange from Webb.

“I didn’t ask you that, I asked how he’s doing,” Bush retorted, according to the source.

Webb confessed that he was so angered by this that he was tempted to slug the commander-in-chief, reported the source, but of course didn’t. It’s safe to say, however, that Bush and Webb won’t be taking any overseas trips together anytime soon.
(link via Talking Points Memo )

This incident raises many unsettling questions, but of course, the most pressing one is why Jim Webb, decorated former Marine and Secretary of the Navy under Ronald Reagan, hates America.

If there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s that the redemptive power of prayer can save any sinner, bring any Child of Satan out of the darkness and into warm glowing warming glow of Christ’s love. This simple fact was never made clearer to us than last Friday, when it was our pleasure to see a heartwarming movie about just such wholesome redemption.

A movie called Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny.

Like all movies of Christian redemption, this one starts out ominously, as our protagonists (two mysterious, inscrutable fellows known only as JB and KG) wallow, nay, revel in sin and debauchery.

Their quest is to become the greatest rock and roll band in history. Since every good Christian knows that rock and roll is The Devil’s Music, we realize instantly that their path will be a dark one, but even this foreknowledge leaves one unprepared for the shocking hedonism that follows. For, the object of these two sinners’ quest is a mythical guitar pick made from the tooth of none other than Satan himself! To obtain this demonic object, they must steal it from the Museum of Rock and Roll, which involves a perilous five hour quest up to Sacramento in a car borrowed from their friend Lee. On this danger-fraught deathride, they encounter many strange and menacing characters and face, at every turn, ominous threats to their immortal souls. (Also, they crash a sorority party, swear constantly, smoke copious quantities of marijuana, and stop for food a couple of times.)

After successfully stealing the cursed Pick from the Museum, we fear that our heroes will be forever doomed to the soul-crushing drudgery of rock and roll stardom. Worse still, Satan arrives on the scene, reclaims his lost tooth, and prepares to subsume them into the depths of Hell, where he promises to do unspeakable, totally gay things to KG’s bodily orifices for all eternity.

But then, just when all appears lost, redemption appears! JB challenges The Great Deceiver to a Rock-Off for their immortal souls. The battle that follows is epic and harrowing; when Lucifer whips out his guitar, screams “CHECK THIS RIFF, IT’S FUCKIN’ TASTY!!!!” and proceeds to shred, we fear all is lost.

Nevertheless, our friends’ deep and abiding faith in the power of Christ allows them to successfully chop off one of Satan’s horns, which condemns him to return to the netherworld from which he came. JB and KG are safe! And all because of Jesus.

As one might expect from any movie with such a dark and emotionally charged theme, reviews have been mixed; fans and naysayers are split almost evenly down the middle. We feel that the negative reviews can be chalked up to nothing more than the Liberal Secular Media up to its old Christian-hating ways. They don’t want you to see this wholesome tale of redemption, fellow Believers! If you want to strike a blow against the Creeping Secularism which threatens to banish God from our public discourse entirely, you must go see Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny. Your very soul may depend on it. Glory!

My favorite columnist nails it perfectly:

This Thanksgiving, we have more to be genuinely grateful for than at any time in the past six years. A tentative return to “real” democracy. The desperate curse of corruption and misprision being lifted. Many of our nation’s most sneering demons—Pombo, Santorum, Hastert, Rumsfeld, the dogma of the Christian right—all gone, all like so many slowly fading nightmares. A Democrat-run Congress that might actually serve a comparatively humanitarian, progressive agenda not based in war and scandal and a violent, judgmental God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It’s Morning in America. Amen and pass the turkey.

For lo these many days, we have fretted about the arrival of Thanksgiving and the yearly terrorist-appeasement ritual that it entails. Yes, that’s right, the pardoning of the turkey. We had been composing a stern rebuke to Dear Leader for showing such weakness in the face of the Islamocommunofascists and their Democrat Party allies, and an urgent plea for him to instead make an example of the birds as a warning to anyone who might dare mess with Our Godly Nation. Fortunately, reasonable conservative Jon Swift has already beaten us to the punch:

But imagine if President Bush denied the turkey a pardon, signaling a new get-tough attitude. Instead of giving a jokey speech full of holiday bromides, he could show up in the Rose Garden this holiday season wielding an axe and after condemning the turkey to death, he could carry out the execution immediately, the way they do in China. Just to be on the safe side, in case the turkey tries to get away, Vice President Cheney could stand on the sidelines with his shotgun to make sure it doesn’t get far. Pictures of the President beheading the turkey would be on the front pages of every newspaper in the Middle East and on Al-Jazeera, replacing the usual pictures of terrorists beheading hostages. That would put the fear of God into those who think they can push the United States around.

Like the video of the swaggering President landing on an aircraft carrier to declare “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq, footage of the President chasing a turkey around the Rose Garden with an axe on live television would play endlessly on cable and on YouTube, which would help raise the President’s poll numbers here at home. It would remind people that they elected a man who as governor of Texas for five years presided over the executions of 152 people, and as President for six years has pardoned only 69 people and a dozen turkeys.

We should hasten to add that this incident in no way lessens our deep and abiding respect for Dear Leader and His Regime. Our protest is motivated mostly by the high regard in which we hold him, which makes his tolerance of Turkey Terrorism all the more disappointing. (After all, we would expect this kind of craven appeasement from the Democrat Party.) Therefore we issue a heartfelt plea to you, O Great and Powerful Dear Leader: Behead that bird before the terrorists win!

NEWS CORP INTERNAL MEMO
Re: Generating ratings for November Sweeps Week

Step 1: Sign O.J. Simpson up for a Fox-owned book and Fox TV special called “If I Did It,” in which Nordberg describes how he would have murdered his ex-wife and her boyfriend, if he had actually done so, which he didn’t, but if he had, this is how it might’ve gone down, jus’ sayin’, you know?

Step 2: When the public outcry over the actions of our publishing house and entertainment network begins, have the barking heads on our news network denounce the planned book/special in the most self-righteously bloodthirsty language possible, while simultaneously piously proclaiming their independence from said entertainment network, even though Ailes runs both of them.

Step 3: To stifle the outrage of the families of the murder victims, offer them all the profits of the book in which O.J. describes how he might’ve slaughtered their loved ones, if he did it, which he of course totally didn’t.

Step 4: When the firestorm of public outrage reaches a crescendo, cancel the upcoming book/special, thus positioning ourselves as the protector of good taste and values for saving the public from the godawful spectacle we commissioned in the first place.

Step 5: Watch the ratings/money roll in! Cha-ching!

At this time, our source inside NewsCorp is unable to confirm the existence of a much rumored “Plan B,” which is to book Michael Richards on a speaking tour of black colleges.

Bill Maher: We Don’t Need Drug Tests for Librarians

I know what you’re thinking. If Aunt Iris has nothing to hide, she can get a little of her own urine on her hands and prove she’s not strung out on junk. Then we can feel safe, and she can go back to mis-shelving the Readers Digests. But then a second thought occurs to you, later, when you really, really think about it. And that thought is this: What the fuck is wrong with us? Are we high?

They’re not flying planes. They’re showing the homeless how to use the microfiche readers. For free. The only people who profit from this are the stockholders of the drug testing company, who stood to make $33 a head, money the library would have otherwise just wasted on books.

(link stolen from A Bunch of Us)

 

You scored as XIII: Death. Death is probably the most well known Tarot card – and also the most misunderstood. Most Tarot novices would consider Death to be a bad card, especially given its connection with the number thirteen. In fact this card rarely indicates literal death. Without “death” there can be no change, only eventual stagnation. The “death” of the child allows for the “birth” of the adult. This change is not always easy. The appearance of Death in a Tarot reading can indicate pain and short term loss, however it also represents hope for a new future. Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Stolen from the Special Lady Friend’s page

Long time readers of this site know that, other than Islamocommunofascists and their Liberal allies, no group poses a greater threat to America than agents of the insidious Gay Agenda. These fiendish plotters never sleep, working overtime to subvert our Godly nation and turn us all gayer than the Gay Mayor of Gaytown. Few know, however, that the scope of the Gay Agenda is not limited to humanity; they also seek to subvert innocent animals to their sinful lifestyle.

Specifically, penguins!

Ever since the Reverend Fundamentally Oral Bill first alerted the nation to the dangers of Penguin Lust, we have been ever vigilant. When gay penguins were discovered in a Japanese zoo last year, we knew it would be only a matter of time until the Gay Agenda began its attempts to convince Americans that this deviant avian lifestyle is somehow “normal.”

How right we were:

The concerns are the latest involving “And Tango Makes Three,’’ the illustrated children’s book based on a true story of two male penguins – Roy and Silo – in New York City’s Central Park Zoo who adopted a fertilized egg and raised the chick as their own.

Complaining about the book’s homosexual undertones, some parents of Shiloh Elementary School students believe the book – available to be checked out of the school’s library in this 11,000-resident town 20 miles east of St. Louis – tackles topics their young children aren’t ready to handle.

Clearly, this is a crisis of Biblical proportions. If this vile book is allowed to remain on the shelves, impressionable young children might get the idea that an activity regularly practiced by penguins in the real world is somehow natural! Won’t someone think of the children???

To the ramparts, Prayer Warriors! We must defend our nation from the influx of mincing, effeminate flightless waterfowl. There are penguin souls to save! Glory!

Those of us on the wholesome, patriotic, freedom™-loving Right have long held it as axiomatic that the mainstream media in America constitute a nest of Jacobin Fifth Columnists, working overtime to sell out their country and the Kingdom of God to their Islamocommunofascist allies. (With the notable and noble exception of Fox News, who worked diligently to uncover the natural connection between a Democratic victory and gleeful terrorists. )

However, like all conservatives, we are fully capable of admitting when we are wrong, and if the last ten days have proven to anything to us, it’s that we were dead wrong about the media. No sooner had the election results been certified when the press reverted to the heady days of 1999, a time when they proved invaluable allies in our attempt to impeach Bill Clinton for getting a blowjob.

Seemingly within hours, stories began to appear, detailing the titanic “power struggles” going on within the Democrat Party. When incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s personal pick for Majority Leader lost, our media allies claimed this revealed a major rift and declared Pelosi unfit to lead, while simultaneously ignoring savage Republican infighting for their own leadership positions.

And who else but the media could have turned James Carville’s lone hissy fit in the wilderness over the fact that no one listens to his bullshit anymore into a major Democrat power struggle?

An essential aspect of any successful media whitewash campaign, in addition to publishing misinformation, is refusing to admit one’s past mistakes. After pillorying Howard Dean back in 2003 for his opposition to Dear Leader’s War, the media bravely and steadfastly refuses to admit Dean’s predictions were right and theirs were wrong. When Senator Russ Feingold earlier this year called for the censure of Dear Leader over His warrantless wiretapping program, the media predicted that the voters would punish the Democrats at the polls accordingly. This prediction was dead wrong, but have the media issued a mea culpa? Aw, hell no!

And so, “liberal” media, we Republicans owe you a heartfelt apology. We have, for too long, made you out to be The Enemy, when in fact, you have been our loyal ally in the Glorious Chistian Conservative Crusade to turn America into the one-party state it was always meant to be. Glory!

PS. And another thing: It’s been ten whole days since the Dhimmicrats won election. Why haven’t they caught Bin Laden yet?