Pastor Ted is an Agent of The Left
The phone rang early this morning. We checked the number; it was Cardinal Ugenesis on the line. The good Cardinal is a strange and violent man, and although we are technically his superior, we knew better than to ignore the call and risk incurring his wrath.
“What?” we screamed into the phone. “Has The Rapture begun at long last? Are the wicked being boiled alive in their own effluvia?”
“Nothing so glorious,” he sighed windily. “Turn on the television.” Then he hung up.
And that was how we found out that one of our greatest allies, Pastor Ted Haggard, president of the U.S. National Association of Evangelicals, has resigned amid allegations that he paid a male prostitute for icky gay sex.
Not surprisingly, the America-hating, terrorist-coddling, god-denying Left has erupted in paroxysms of glee. Is it merely the chortling that one would expect from soldiers of Evil after learning that America’s most powerful evangelical had been deposed? We suspected it was more than that…
The more we thought about it, the more we smelled a rat. A gay rat. How could Pastor Ted, the man who pioneered the Prayer Walker Method for harassing and intimidating non-Christians into leaving town, be a homersexshul? At last, after much fasting and prayer, the answer came to us like a blinding bolt from above that zapped our forehead with a splitting migraine:
Pastor Ted is a stealth agent of The Left.
Twenty three years ago, agents of The Left doubtless found “Pastor Ted” in a bathhouse in the Castro District, and revealed to him his nefarious mission: “Move to Colorado Springs and found a megachurch. Gain thousands of followers in the city and millions more nationwide. Become a loud and vocal opponent of gay marriage. Gain the ear of the Republican Party and become good personal friends with George W. Bush. Then, on the eve of election in 2006, you are to reveal your true identity as one of the gays, thus causing mortal embarrassment to God’s Own Party and allowing we liberals to take over and hand the country over to the Terrorismists.”
It’s so obvious to us now, even a child could figure it out. Sure, many will deny or even make fun of this line of reasoning, but such people are America-haters, and probably French.
(UPDATE – 11:10am) Huzzah, it appears that The Left has outsmarted themselves once again! With all the attention being paid to Leftist sleeper agent Pastor Ted, the fact that a nuclear bomb construction guide has been posted on a government website for eight months is being roundly ignored! Serves you right, Lefties!
Whenever Cardinal Ugenises gets on the line – that should be your first clue – why did you ever turn on the television. First the leftist media defames that great Georgian hero Ralph Reed, and now “the Ted”. This is the same leftist media that refuses to shout out the milestones of progress that are being realized by our heroes in Iraq. They will stop at nothing. All hail Ann Coulter.
November 3rd, 2006 at 2:36 pmIndeed, it cheers us greatly to know that true American patriots such as yourself can see through the Left’s smokescreen of lies. However, all is not lost! Not only is the Pastor Ted story inadvertently helping God’s Own Party by keeping the country’s attention away from the aforementioned “bomb-making government website” scandal, but we have many other Weapons of Mass Distraction as well! For instance, our constant, unrelenting attack on John Kerry for screwing up the punchline to a stupid joke four days ago. Check out the number of stories devoted to Kerry as opposed to the nuclear story:
Operation Change The Subject To Protect Dear Leader is a resounding success! Glory!
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