SemiConscious Dot Org

Last night’s election slaughter (and subsequent purge of Public Enemy #1 Donald Rumsfeld) is unquestionably a fantastically good thing for the United States of America, for any number of reasons. But while you joyfully look forward to the end of the Republican Party’s plundering of the national treasury and rape of the Constitution, and maybe even an end to the Iraq nightmare, don’t forget about another wonderful side effect of last night: the end of the GOP’s War On Libraries.

1. Michael Fitzpatrick, the “lawmaker” who wrote and sponsored DOPA in the house has been dis-elected. DOPA stands for Deleting Online Predators Act and it was designed to restrict, in schools and libraries, any site that required the creation of a profile. In other words, roughly 50% of the entire Internet including MySpace, Amazon, EBay and a slew of educational and library sites.
2. The man who had been chosen to shepherd DOPA through the Senate was none other than Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum. Rick will soon be an ex-Senator. Don’t be a stranger Rick—you’re so good at rallying our base that the DNC should offer you a job.
3. Therefore, DOPA may die in committee and never be referred to the floor for an up or down vote. This is just a fervent wish on my part—there’s no evidence yet and if it gets to the floor Dems will have a really hard time voting against it. Only 10 (10!!!!) Dems voted against it in the House.
4. Joe Barton of Texas, the foremost enemy of e-rate in Congress will no longer be Chairman of the Energy and Commerce Committee. He’s been using this position to launch his attacks on the program as a whole. These attacks have led to much tighter enforcement of erate rules and much more frustration and paperwork for schools and libraries.

I’ve frothed at the mouth about the vile, despicable DOPA before, but thanks to last night’s events, DOPA may be DOA.

Ah yes, it’s a great, great day to be alive.

O Lord, why have you forsaken your faithful servant and favorite person, George W. Bush, and His Holy War in the Middle East? What happened? We had this one in the bag! The fix was on! We’ve been honing these techniques for two decades now, and they worked so well in Florida in 2000 and New Hampshire in 2002 and Ohio in 2004!

How, after all our careful work to ensure the correct party won this election irregardless of the vote totals, could God’s Own Party possibly have lost? We did everything by the tried-and-true Republican playbook. We purged voter rolls of likely Democratic voters in Ohio; made voter suppression phone calls and threats to arrest voters in Virginia; committed vandalism and death threats against the Dem campaign and initiated “mysterious” voting machine failures in Dem precincts in Colorado; caused more “mysterious” voting machine failures in Dem precincts, distributed phony voter guides, used the Emergency Alert System to broadcast Republican political advertisements, and sent letters to 14,000 Latino voters, erroneously telling them they weren’t allowed to vote, all in California; passed restrictive photo ID requirements and harassed Latino voters in Arizona; distributed false sample ballots identifying the Republican candidate as a Democrat in Maryland; registered four times as many voters as the county’s population in Utah; passed restrictive new voter registration laws all over the country; jammed up phone lines with robo-calls and crank calls to Democrat voter protection hotlines; and, of course, depended on our old friends at Diebold to fix vote totals in favor of Republicans as they have done in the past…

Hell, we even succeeded in turning a Democratic Senator’s screwed-up joke punchline into the most covered story of the campaign’s final week.

And still we lost!

We can draw only one logical conclusion from this carnage:

The American voter hates America.

Clearly, drastic measures must be taken in order to protect this great and glorious nation from its citizens. Haliburton, do your stuff!

(UPDATE – 10:45am) O dear Lord, it just gets worse and worse. Obergrupenfuhrer Rumsfeld, the architect of our ongoing Glorious Christian Victory in Iraq, is going to resign. The terrorismists have officially won.