SemiConscious Dot Org

For lo these many days, we have fretted about the arrival of Thanksgiving and the yearly terrorist-appeasement ritual that it entails. Yes, that’s right, the pardoning of the turkey. We had been composing a stern rebuke to Dear Leader for showing such weakness in the face of the Islamocommunofascists and their Democrat Party allies, and an urgent plea for him to instead make an example of the birds as a warning to anyone who might dare mess with Our Godly Nation. Fortunately, reasonable conservative Jon Swift has already beaten us to the punch:

But imagine if President Bush denied the turkey a pardon, signaling a new get-tough attitude. Instead of giving a jokey speech full of holiday bromides, he could show up in the Rose Garden this holiday season wielding an axe and after condemning the turkey to death, he could carry out the execution immediately, the way they do in China. Just to be on the safe side, in case the turkey tries to get away, Vice President Cheney could stand on the sidelines with his shotgun to make sure it doesn’t get far. Pictures of the President beheading the turkey would be on the front pages of every newspaper in the Middle East and on Al-Jazeera, replacing the usual pictures of terrorists beheading hostages. That would put the fear of God into those who think they can push the United States around.

Like the video of the swaggering President landing on an aircraft carrier to declare “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq, footage of the President chasing a turkey around the Rose Garden with an axe on live television would play endlessly on cable and on YouTube, which would help raise the President’s poll numbers here at home. It would remind people that they elected a man who as governor of Texas for five years presided over the executions of 152 people, and as President for six years has pardoned only 69 people and a dozen turkeys.

We should hasten to add that this incident in no way lessens our deep and abiding respect for Dear Leader and His Regime. Our protest is motivated mostly by the high regard in which we hold him, which makes his tolerance of Turkey Terrorism all the more disappointing. (After all, we would expect this kind of craven appeasement from the Democrat Party.) Therefore we issue a heartfelt plea to you, O Great and Powerful Dear Leader: Behead that bird before the terrorists win!