SemiConscious Dot Org

If there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s that the redemptive power of prayer can save any sinner, bring any Child of Satan out of the darkness and into warm glowing warming glow of Christ’s love. This simple fact was never made clearer to us than last Friday, when it was our pleasure to see a heartwarming movie about just such wholesome redemption.

A movie called Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny.

Like all movies of Christian redemption, this one starts out ominously, as our protagonists (two mysterious, inscrutable fellows known only as JB and KG) wallow, nay, revel in sin and debauchery.

Their quest is to become the greatest rock and roll band in history. Since every good Christian knows that rock and roll is The Devil’s Music, we realize instantly that their path will be a dark one, but even this foreknowledge leaves one unprepared for the shocking hedonism that follows. For, the object of these two sinners’ quest is a mythical guitar pick made from the tooth of none other than Satan himself! To obtain this demonic object, they must steal it from the Museum of Rock and Roll, which involves a perilous five hour quest up to Sacramento in a car borrowed from their friend Lee. On this danger-fraught deathride, they encounter many strange and menacing characters and face, at every turn, ominous threats to their immortal souls. (Also, they crash a sorority party, swear constantly, smoke copious quantities of marijuana, and stop for food a couple of times.)

After successfully stealing the cursed Pick from the Museum, we fear that our heroes will be forever doomed to the soul-crushing drudgery of rock and roll stardom. Worse still, Satan arrives on the scene, reclaims his lost tooth, and prepares to subsume them into the depths of Hell, where he promises to do unspeakable, totally gay things to KG’s bodily orifices for all eternity.

But then, just when all appears lost, redemption appears! JB challenges The Great Deceiver to a Rock-Off for their immortal souls. The battle that follows is epic and harrowing; when Lucifer whips out his guitar, screams “CHECK THIS RIFF, IT’S FUCKIN’ TASTY!!!!” and proceeds to shred, we fear all is lost.

Nevertheless, our friends’ deep and abiding faith in the power of Christ allows them to successfully chop off one of Satan’s horns, which condemns him to return to the netherworld from which he came. JB and KG are safe! And all because of Jesus.

As one might expect from any movie with such a dark and emotionally charged theme, reviews have been mixed; fans and naysayers are split almost evenly down the middle. We feel that the negative reviews can be chalked up to nothing more than the Liberal Secular Media up to its old Christian-hating ways. They don’t want you to see this wholesome tale of redemption, fellow Believers! If you want to strike a blow against the Creeping Secularism which threatens to banish God from our public discourse entirely, you must go see Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny. Your very soul may depend on it. Glory!