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My God, Why Have You Forsaken Your Favorite Team?
Four lousy yards.
Four lousy yards were all that stood between the New England Patriots and another Superbowl. 2:17 to go, leading 34-31, third down and four. Make those four lousy yards, and the game’s over. Even if you don’t make another yard afterwards, you take a knee three times, punt the ball, and the Colts get it back with maybe 25 seconds remaining, no timeouts, and needing to go the length of the field. But no, the universe burped, and for the first time since…well, ever, the Patriots failed to come through in the clutch. That they were outperformed by their opponents in the final two minutes of a playoff game is shocking. That those opponents were the Indianapolis Colts is so shocking that I half expect to see the sun rise in the west tomorrow morning. And did I mention that the sky will be covered in purple polka dots and dogs will be walking people?
The outcome of today’s game confirms my long-held suspicion that God is a cruel and malicious diety who delights in torturing those he claims to love. If he can turn on his favorite team in such a callous, gut-wrenching manner, then truly, nothing and no one is safe. The phrases “Peyton Manning” and “choke,” long assumed by everyone in the universe to be synonyms, now have to be separated by a “didn’t.” How mindbendingly bizarre is that?
The universe has turned so askew in the past few hours that I now am in the awkward position of having to spend the next two weeks as a de facto Chicago Bears fan. Seven hours ago, I was dreaming of beating the Bears in the Superbowl and thus earning long-awaited revenge for the drubbing in Superbowl XX, and now I’m suddenly in the position of rooting for them instead. The thought of a title for Da Bears is not one I particularly relish, but it’s nowhere near as unpalatable as the alternative. Or, to put it another way:
In two weeks the future of the world will be at stake. I question the sanity of anyone who can even bother with next week’s State of the Union; war is hell, but hell is other people—people like Peyton Manning. Yeah the world’s in a fragile state right now, but just imagine the horror of a world in which Peyton Manning is a champion.
For the sake of the future, for the sake of the children, for the wellbeing of the human race, this must not be allowed to pass. Won’t someone think of the children?
