Mmm…Sacri-licious
By now, you’ve doubtless all heard of the controversy: last week, in a deliberate attempt to destroy Christianity and let the terrorists win, a New York art gallery announced that it would be exhibiting a statue of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ…made entirely out of chocolate and stark naked! With a PENIS!
Luckily, the evil, heretical attempt to portray Jesus as a human male with human male genitalia was fought tooth and nail by stalwart Christian defenders such as Catholic League president William Donohue. This selfless hero, a man who has previously exposed the extent to which Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity and who was instrumental in orchestrating the resignation of two John Edwards campaign staffers because they said bad words, bravely charged into the fray to do battle with Chocolate Jesus. In a statement that would no doubt be heartily endorsed by the thousands of murdered Christians in Darfur, Donohue thundered that the anatomically correct statue was “one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever.”
I’m happy to inform you that Donahue’s Holy Hysterics have been successful. The hotel that had been scheduled to host the blasphemous exhibit pulled the plug after Christians, in an inspiring testament to the message of Christ’s love, besieged the hotel with death threats! Such is the power of Faith!
No doubt, some of you out there are asking yourselves, “couldn’t the problem have been solved by giving Jesus a Chocolate Loincloth?” This ignores the rather obvious fact that the statue’s construction material is at least as controversial as its exposed wang. After all, every good Catholic knows that Jesus is a giant loaf of bread with booze for blood. Suggesting that he might be composed of some kind of “alternative” foodstuff is blasphemous!
Not surprisingly, the America-hating Left launched a counteroffensive as soon as news of the exhibit’s cancellation became public. Within hours, the artist was deluged with offers to purchase his statue. However, as of this writing, there is still no confirmation for the disrespectful rumors that Chocolate Jesus will be consumed at Easter Communion with graham crackers and marshmallows.
I can see why William Donohue is upset. Like every stalwart totally, totally straight man in the Catholic League knows, the naked chocolate Jesus is sacreligious to everything Catholicism stands for. A chocolate penis is best placed between the pliant buttocks of a non-consenting altar boy, preferably on the altar or the confession if there’s time. Why can’t the artist understand that. The priests need their adolescent sex-toys in their silky robes and rosy cheeks. I’m sure that’s what William Donohue is doing right now. Any interest group defending clerical pedophiles (the ones we know of, anyway) and making death threats, should be fully supported by God-fearing people everywhere. Now bring me my booze-soaked bread-savior, stat! Papa needs some drinkee!
April 2nd, 2007 at 8:23 pmand what about Chris Ofili and his elephant dung Madonna painting that NYC hero Rudy got soooo upset over?
April 3rd, 2007 at 5:25 amI’ve got a chocolate star of david between my asscheeks that donahue can eat. The actor who played Harry Potter had a nice large cock, maybe Jesus had one too. There’s a retarded guy I work with and he’s hung like a mule, what’s so bad about that? If Catholics are so into the Anthropormorphism of their God(s), then why not let gods have a dink?
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:43 am“Hath not a Jew eyes?”
After much careful consideration and solemn prayer on the subject, I have decided that, from now on, I want you all to refer to me as Chocolate Jesus.
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:53 amIdiots. Everyone knows that Jesus gave his penis to the Pope in Anno Domini 1374. It’s been in the Vatican ever since. Ratzo sleeps with it under his pillow where it whispers divine pronouncements into the papal earhole. Amen.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:14 pmChris, I think you may be on to something there. If you look closely at this picture of Pope Skeletor, you’ll discover the location of the missing Jesus Penis:
It was surgically grafted to his thumb!
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:23 pmAstonishing! And it looks as though the good Cardinal is about to get a faceful of God’s Love.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:54 pmThat’s no skin graft, that’s a callous from the 45 mm anti aircraft gun he used to shoot at B-17s during the good old days. Luftkriegwissenshaft!
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:20 pm