SemiConscious Dot Org

Christ in a sidecar, they’re at it again. You’d have thought that the deluge of snickers and chortles that accompanied the infamous “50 Greatest Conservative Rock Songs” list last year would’ve convinced our friends on the Right to finally give up their dreams of Rocking Out, but noooooo:

Rockanomics is apparently the place where the ”... America-loving, flag-waving, pro-military, Bush supporting, do-whatever-it-takes smart music fan turns” to.

It is not a parody site, all evidence to the contrary. (Warning: there is, well, we’ll call it “sound”)

Finally! A place where the Tin Foil Hat Crowd can hang out, shoot the shit about how Islamofascists Are Invading Next Tuesday After Lunch and how Liberals Are Traitors to America… and, you know, break off a few tasty riffs at the same time.

Seriously, listen to a few of the tracks on that site. It’s painful. I’m torn between contempt and pity, I really am. Part of me wants to, once again, gently attempt to explain to these dolts that “conservative rock” will always suck because conservatism and musical/artistic innovation are always mutually exclusive and always have been and always will be.

The wild, dangerous, hedonistic spirit that has infused the best rock and roll ever since Robert Johnson made his deal with the Devil will forever be the enemy of head-up-ass reactionary conservatism, but it’s sort of quaint and touching that some nitwits continue to press on in the belief that it could ever be otherwise. They just wanna shred too, dammit! Why should a total lack of musical or songwriting talent and a deep hatred of anyone different from themselves exclude them from the party?

Yessir, part of me wants to lend them a sympathetic ear, pass them a big fattie, and try my damnedest to get them laid, as part of my quaint and touching faith that anyone – even a conservative – can be rehabilitated and turn into a decent human being.

But a bigger part of me wants to treat them with the mocking scorn they so richly deserve.

Guess which part wins.

Dear Former Attorney General Ashcroft,

I wish to extend my deepest, humblest apologies for having thought and said so many horrible things about you over the years. Sure, you are a religious fanatic who covered up boobs on statues and anointed himself with Crisco. And granted, your aggressive championing of and enforcement of the vile Patriot Act and horrible record on the issues of civil liberties and domestic surveillance have left a stain upon the very fabric of the Constitution that will last for years to come and perhaps forever…

But hey, even an authoritarian, antidemocratic religious loon is better than an incompetent, lying, mealy-mouthed twit:

GONZALES: I clarified my statement two days later with the reporter.

SCHUMER: What did you say to the reporter?

GONZALES: I did not speak directly to the reporter.

SCHUMER: Oh, wait a second—you did not.

(LAUGHTER)

OK. What did your spokesperson say to the reporter?

GONZALES: I don’t know. But I told the spokesperson to go back and clarify my statement…

SCHUMER: Well, wait a minute, sir. Sir, with all due respect—and if I could have some order here, Mr. Chairman—in all due respect, you’re just saying, “Well, it was clarified with the reporter,” and you don’t even know what he said. You don’t even know what the clarification is.

Sir, how can you say that you should stay on as attorney general when we go through exercise like this, where you’re bobbing and weaving and ducking to avoid admitting that you deceived the committee? And now you don’t even know.

I’ll give you another chance: You’re hanging your hat on the fact that you clarified the statement two days later. You’re now telling us that is was a spokesperson who did it. What did that spokesperson say? Tell me now, how do you clarify this?

GONZALES: I don’t know, but I’ll find out and get back to you.

What the fuck? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK??!?!??

Only 542 days left until the adults are back in charge. Assuming we all survive that long.

Ah, see, now this is exactly the type of lunacy that gives me the needed inspiration to kickstart my badly neglected blog. It seems that in Romania, a lawsuit against God was dropped when the defendant failed to respond to His/Her/Its summons:

The complaint was filed by Pavel Mircea, 40, who is serving a 20-year prison sentence for murder but took God to court for not keeping his part of the baptism arrangement and failing to protect him from Satan’s influence.

(snip)

According to Mircea, the Romanian Orthodox Church was a direct representative of God in Romania and should therefore compensate him for the alleged damage. He said: “By the act of baptism I concluded a legally binding contract with God and he was supposed to protect me from evil. But he did not fulfil his contractual obligations – I found myself in the hands of the devil.”

The court spent two years trying to find God’s address, but has now closed the case after concluding that the defendant could not be summoned for a hearing.

(link via Library Underground listserv)

This is fantastic. It shows extraordinary creativity and courage and I, for one, am inspired. In honor of Mr. Mircea, I plan on filing suit in small claims court against one Jesus H. Christ, on the grounds that he did, willingly and with malice aforethought, turn all of my beer into wine.

This will not stand!

Aaaaaaaaaaand…..

We’re back.

17 days, 4,300 miles, 60+ pictures. Granted, the ratio of pics is heavily tilted towards The West, but I ran out of steam once we crossed the Rockies and hit the Plains/Midwest. From that point forward, I only took pictures when I saw a sign silly enough to warrant firing up the camera. After we left the flatlands, the stretch from Pennsylvania up through New York and into New England was beautiful, but by that time I was burned out on photography and driving, and it was pouring down rain, anyway. (Also, fuck Connecticut. Fuck it right in the ear.)

So here I am, back in the Motherland, with the wifi hooked up and roughly a three week window to find employment before the money runs out. I’ve already applied for open positions at two public libraries and one academic library, but I’m not holding my breath.

And did I mention that I’m getting married in 42 days? Yeah, that too.

So I’m sure that loads of crucially important events have happened in the field of Library and Information Science in the three+ weeks I’ve been gone, and I know there’s much in the field of politics worthy of ranting over (hey, look! it’s DubYa’s colon!) but I’m still getting up to speed. It’ll take a few days to get back into Full-On Rant Mode.

In the meantime, eat my Simpsons Avatar.

Yes, I’m still here. Access to Teh Interweb Tubes has been hard to come by during the past two weeks on the road, and on the rare occasions when I’ve had a connection, I’ve been too tired to post anything. Now, however, I’m at my parents’ house in lovely (cough) Indianapolis, a mere two day drive from my final destination, and can, at long last, relax a bit.

The drive down the Oregon and California coasts was beautiful. The deserts? Not so much. Due to concerns about the ability of our fully loaded car to negotiate 10,000 foot mountain passes, we abandoned plans to drive through the Great Basin, and instead stuck to I-80 through Nevada, Utah, and Wyoming. The only problem was that those states are currently, um, burning down. No, seriously, they’re on fire. For over a thousand miles, our view of surrounding mountains was obscured by an impenetrable haze of forest fire smoke. Around the Great Salt Lake, the smoke combined with steam and fog condensing from the lake in the hundred degree heat, forming a toxic, smelly, soupy muck that actually left a residue on the car.

By the time we reached Colorado, however, the smoke had dissipated, and we spent several enjoyable days camping in Rocky Mountain National Park. Then, the long slog across Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana; hundreds of miles of corn, silos, and billboards informing us that abortion is evil and Jesus loves us. Yargh.

Anyhoo, once I have a chance to sift through the hundreds of pictures on my laptop, I’ll post a big set. For now, here are a couple of silly sign pictures.

You’re welcome.

UPDATE: I suddenly got motivated. Here are the rest of the pictures so far.