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You Fail Me
Well, kids, it’s a sad day for the staff here at Heavy Metal Librarian. Last week, the Online Education Database released their coveted Top 25 Librarian Bloggers list, and yours truly was – gasp – not on it.
It pains me deeply to know that the folks at OEDB decided to use made-up “statistics” like “Google PageRank” and “Bloglines Subscribers” to determine their rankings, rather than the only number that really matters – namely, the three crisp, brand new twenty dollar bills I sent their editors. What the hell is this world coming to when a man can no longer cut corners and skip to the head of the line through the time-honored tradition of bribery?
What killed my chances? What did I do wrong? Was it the fact that at least 80% of the posts on this blog have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with libraries? And that I swear fucking constantly? Was it the fact that I pour mockery and derision upon anyone who dares to disagree with my opinions, which are never wrong? Or that it takes me about three months to get the same number of hits that most of those blogs receive per hour?
Would you people prefer I blog more about library issues? Why, are you having trouble sleeping? Seriously, have you actually read any of the blogs on that Top 25 list? It’s like mainlining Ambien! Sorry, people, my job title is “Librarian,” not “Professional Boredom Fetishist.” If I have to read one more “golly gee whiz” post about libraries with Flickr pages, I’m going to scrub my eyeballs with a Brillo pad.
Upon further, painstaking review of the posts on this blog, I have concluded that they are all brilliant, and that the fault cannot possibly lie with me. Nope, it’s pretty obvious who the weak link here is: YOU. Yes, you, my five regular readers.
I blog for the same reason all librarian bloggers do: namely, to feed my massive, rampaging ego. Sure, all the fawning, obsequious comments over the years have been great, but there’s only so many times I can be told how incredibly wonderful I am before the thrill starts to wear off. I want more. I want to debut at #1 in those prestigious rankings next year, and it’s up to all of you to get me there.
Get on this right away, and maybe I’ll start to forgive. Maybe.
