Sad news to report: Robert Goulet, the man, the legend, has died.

In addition to being a towering showbiz giant, Goulet was also a lifelong Red Sox fan who sang at Fenway Park before this season’s opener, as well as being the inspiration for some of the funniest Saturday Night Live skits of recent years:

And less anyone think that this is in poor taste, let’s see what the man himself had to say about the lampooning:

But the aging entertainment idol, who at one point began sporting a mustache, became something of a camp icon, whose old-school show-biz image made him ripe for satire on such TV shows as “Saturday Night Live” and “The Simpsons.”

Mr. Goulet didn’t object and, in fact, periodically spoofed his Vegas persona, including appearing as himself in a series of wacky commercials in the 1990s to promote ESPN’s college basketball schedule and, more recently, a goofy commercial spot for Emerald Nuts.

“If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re a fool,” Mr. Goulet told the Orange County Register in 1996. “I don’t like those who pat themselves on the back. My job is to entertain, not to go out there and be myself.”

Wellsir, following The Goat’s sterling example, I took the plunge and signed up for NaBloPoMo. This is a deadly serious endeavor, and only the bravest and most diligent (and couchbound) of bloggers have the requisite steely courage to try it. In fact, I’ve been told that if I fail in the attempt, evil yard gnomes will crawl in through my bedroom window while I’m asleep and electrocute my testicles with a car battery. (It’s true! The terms of service I agreed to when I signed up said so! I swear!)

This should be interesting, because not once in the 5 years I’ve been blogging, either at this site or at its now-deleted predecessor, have I ever managed to post every single day for an entire month. Hell, most months I don’t even come close to that. So expect lots and lots of posts consisting of nothing but links and no original commentary whatsoever, except for the phrase “Heh. Indeed.” (Hey, it works for Instapundit, why not me?)

Anyhoo, I’m off to the basement with the laptop, a full pot of coffee, and my typing hat. There’s bloggin’s a-transpirin’. Send Cheetos!

Also:

Also, what he said.

With All Hallow’s Eve just around the corner, it’s as good a time as any to note that lots of Americans believe really stupid things:

Those things that go bump in the night? About one-third of people believe they could be ghosts. And nearly one out of four, 23 percent, say they’ve actually seen a ghost or felt its presence, finds a pre-Halloween poll by The Associated Press and Ipsos.

(snip)

About one out of five people, 19 percent, say they accept the existence of spells or witchcraft. Nearly half, 48 percent, believe in extrasensory perception, or ESP.

The poll also notes that, among those who report having previously seen a ghost, self-described liberals outnumber conservatives by a sizable percentage. So much for our smug assumption that only right-wing fundamentalist loons believe in fairy tales with no basis in fact.

Unfortunately, as Invisible Library notes, not even librarians are immune to the silliness.

Climb Mount Everest – naked.

Nepalese mountaineering authorities are reportedly outraged that people were ditching their clothes on Mount Everest, which is worshipped by some villagers.

President of Nepal Mountaineering Association Ang Tshering told AP that following last year’s record by a Nepali climber, who claimed the world’s highest display of nudity while standing on the 8,850m summit in temperatures about minus 10 degrees Celsius, restrictions should be implemented.

This is the week I’ve been waiting for ever since Robert Goulet sang the anthem on Opening Day.

The long, 162 game slog, the giddiness of a 14.5 game lead on the hated Yankees, the queasy, sour-stomach fear as that lead steadily shrank all summer, the relief when the Sox held them off at the end, the sweet, sweet schadenfreude, the sinking dismay when they went down 3-1 to Cleveland, the relief and elation when they roared back to take it…

It’s all lead up to this week.

Josh Beckett takes the mound tonight in Game 1. May their stomping of the Colorado Rockies be swift and merciless.

In the legendary words of Izzy Mandelbaum:

“It’s Go Time!”

(And for those of you neutral fans out there who might be tempted to root for the Rockies on general principle, The Goat has some interesting information of which you should be aware.)

Time and time again, we’ve tried to inform you, the skeptical public, about the dire threat posed to the human race by the Monkey God and his simian followers. We’ve shown you irrefutable evidence of their fiendish plans to subjugate and enslave humanity… and still you refuse to listen. Not even the recent news that monkeys are now killing our leaders will wake you from your slothful ignorance, will it?

Ah, but if we told you the monkeys are gaining allies in their rampage?

Enormous, angry, drunken allies:

Six Asiatic wild elephants were electrocuted as they went berserk after drinking rice beer in India’s remote northeast, a wildlife official said Tuesday.

Nearly 40 elephants came to a village on Friday looking for food. Some found beer, which farmers ferment and keep in plastic and tin drums in their huts, said Sunil Kumar, a state wildlife official.

They got drunk, uprooted a utility pole carrying power lines and were electrocuted in Chandan Nukat, a village nearly 150 miles west of Shillong, the capital of Meghalaya state, Kumar said.

Do you finally get it now? The monkeys by themselves pose enough of a threat to our future existence; but now they’ve recruited assistance from animals big enough to devour the entire cast of The View for breakfast and not even get full! (And that, my friend, is a lot of empty calories.) Plus, they never forget.

God help us all when the monkeys and elephants inevitably develop the ability to manufacture, purchase, and operate firearms.

Great Zombie Jesus, it looks like Christianity is, yet again, under dire attack from the insidious forces of The Gay Agenda!

(Awesome pic via Badtux)

For those of you who may not know, The Gay Agenda is a fiendish supervillain who works 24-7 to turn all of America’s God-fearing children gayer than the Mayor of Gaytown. This insidious character has many weapons: in addition to zapping people with his Gay Laser of Gayness, he also works his dastardly plots through his allies in the Big Gay Evil Liberal Media.

Luckily, however, Rev. James Dobson is here to protect us from the terrifying menace of gay penguins:

Candi Cushman, education analyst for Focus on the Family Action, said the complaints over books are well-founded.

“Most of these books don’t end up actually being removed,” she told Family News in Focus. “The few that do end up being removed are being removed mostly because they have sexual themes or are explicit.”

The book that topped the list this year was And Tango Makes Three, the story of “gay” penguins. It’s the second year in a row that a book with gay themes drew the most ire from parents.

“Parents have a right to object to their kids being exposed to material that they don’t feel like their child is psychologically prepared to handle,” Cushman said.

Unfortunately, these days, the allies of The Gay Agenda multiply faster than the offspring of “abstinence only” sex ed graduates. Chief among those who thirst to destroy America: J.K. Rowling! It wasn’t enough for this wanton trollop to write books specifically intended to turn children into Jesus-hatin’ witches. Nooo, she had to go and announce that one of her main characters is a homo:

Clearly, this Bride of Satan loathes Christanity with every twisted fiber of her being, and will stop at nothing to destroy it. Will no one answer the call to save our omnipotent, omniscient Lord and Creator from the dire threat to His very existence posed by the vile machinations of children’s book authors?

Yes, one man will. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Don Surber, Defender of Jeebus. Onward, brave, brave columnist! You do America proud, sir.

Stephen Colbert, our nation turned its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo.

And you have answered the call, sir. First, there was your rousing, call-to-arms editorial in Sunday’s New York Times:

Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet — even though it’s clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative.

What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I am not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an Average Joe like you — if you have a TV show.

Then, in a rare appearance on The Daily Show:

“Tonight, I, Stephen Colbert, am officially announcing that I have decided to officially consider whether or not I will announce that I am running for the president of the United States,” he said to rapturous applause.

“I will be making an announcement of that decision very soon, preferably on a more prestigious show.”

How long, we wondered? How long would we have to wait before finding out whether you would take the reins and lead America back to greatness? The wait seemed interminable, torturous.

Finally, 15 minutes later, you informed us of your decision.

O Dear Sweet Jesus, our prayers have been answered!

Granted, this announcement means that the Stewart/Colbert ‘08 campaign is officially dead, but sacrifices must be made for the greater good, and Stewart is that sacrifice. Stewart will no doubt soldier on, but without your greatness to prop him up, his campaign is doomed to flounder, adrift in a sea of despair. No issues, no driving theme, no enthusiasm, no real reason to exist…sort of like Fred Thompson.

But you, Stephen Colbert, will reign supreme! Already, your campaign gathers unstoppable momentum, You will march on a road of bones!

The Good News:
Congratulations, Knights Templar! You’ve been cleared of heresy charges by the Catholic Church!

The Bad News:
This exoneration comes 700 years after you were burned at the stake. Whoops, sorry!

The Ridiculous:
The Vatican will be selling reproductions of the documents from the Templar trial for $8,377 per copy. I know what I want for Christmas!

The Even More Ridiculous:
“Descendants” of the original Templars are demanding a public apology from the Pope.

Are you serious? It took these people almost 800 years to apologize for the Inquisition, and 459 years to admit that the Earth does, indeed, orbit the sun. And you think they’re gonna say sorry to your dumb asses?

In a related story, after reading the decidedly banal and non-mystical first hand accounts of the Templar trial, Dan Brown was seen weeping hysterically over a pile of cancelled book contracts.