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Friday Monkey Blogging (”Fight the Power” Edition)
As long-time readers well know, we’ve spent years trying to wake humanity up to the impending Monkey Takeover and the dire threat it poses to all mankind. And no doubt, news that monkey attacks are escalating right here in the American heartland will further increase the tension.
(Above: marauding Monkey Overlord, shortly after burning down an Ohio nursery school.)
However, today’s post is not intended to frighten or depress you or fill you with hopelessness. Quite the contrary: it is to inform you that humanity is, at long last, beginning to fight back. Indeed, our old friend Cardinal Ugenesis Nixon Thunderfawk has even alerted us to the presence of a recently-published, comprehensive guide to fighting monkeys:
What if you can’t or won’t appease the monkeys with food? You can try to chase them off by shaking a stick at them, but they might get violent if cornered. If they don’t budge, bop ‘em on the head; visitors to temples in India sometimes carry a stick for just this reason. Primatologists will sometimes send a macaque warning signal called the open-mouth threat. Basically, form an “O” with your mouth, lean toward them with your body and head, and raise your eyebrows. Female victims might seek protection in a group of men, since monkeys are somewhat afraid of males. But whatever you do, don’t freak out; those who scream, wave their arms, and run away are only going to make the macaques even more aggressive.
Sage words of advice, no doubt. However, the times have not yet become so dire that we recommend arming oneself with firearms against the Monkey Threat. As commenter Doreen points out, those discharging firearms at the invaders can incur serious unintended consequences.
The time will surely come when everyone must arm themselves with high-powered automatic weapons for protection against the children of the Monkey God. For now, we will settle for carrying our Monkey-Bopping Stick and making the Open Mouth Threat Face whenever we venture out of our heavily-fortified compound. We suggest you all do the same.
Courage!
