For many years, as the mountain of damning evidence has grown and grown, we’ve become more and more convinced that humanity was doomed to fall before the rampaging hordes of the Monkey God. The revelation that the monkeys have already taken over entire cities led us to fear that the subjugation and enslavement of the human race by our simian cousins might occur within our lifetimes!

However, even the depths of despair, we were consoled by one irrefutable fact: humans vastly outnumber monkeys on this planet. With over six billion of us and mere millions of them (and even fewer great apes), how could they possibly overwhelm us and bring about a nightmarish future world where monkeys herd humans like cattle? Homo sapiens would prevail by force of numbers alone…right?

Wrong, Craphound!

Researchers in Oregon reported yesterday that they had created the world’s first fully formed, cloned monkey embryos and harvested batches of stem cells from them—a feat that, if replicated in people, could allow production of replacement tissues or organs with no risk of rejection.

Successful creation of the cloned embryos, each from a single monkey skin cell, effectively settles a long-standing scientific debate about whether primates—the taxonomic grouping that includes monkeys and people—are biologically incapable of being cloned, as some had come to believe after years of failures.

At last, the full horror of the Monkey God’s depraved plans come to light. He intends nothing less than to destroy humanity with a

MONKEY CLONE ARMY!

(above: your future.)

Not surprisingly, the Traitorous Fifth Column Liberal Media™ is actively working to sell out humanity and advance the Monkey Takeover Agenda, by publishing frivolous puff pieces extolling the supposed medical benefits of monkey cloning. It’s all “stem cells” this, “cure all human genetic disease” that. Balderdash! We know the real truth.

Luckily for us, intrepid Culture Warrior Bill O’Reilly is around to defend humanity against this evil menace. Using the same scrupulous intellectual rigor he employed to expose the War on Christmas™, O’Reilly has sounded the call to arms against the looming threat posed by armies of cloned monkeys. Bravo, sir!

For all our sakes, we can only pray that General O’Reilly does not long remain a lone voice crying out in the wilderness, and that all of humanity wakes up to this imminent threat before it’s too late. Courage!