SemiConscious Dot Org

You thought last year’s hop fire was the worst possible disaster that could befall the beer lovers of the world, didn’t you?

Wrong, craphound! It’s about to get so, so much worse:

A hop shortage that has worried brewers for the past few months has now been joined by a barley shortage. That spells tight supplies for two of the three major ingredients in beer (the other is water).

“What it means is you’re going to see higher prices across the board, maybe a buck a six-pack,” said Marc Rubenstein, owner of Syracuse’s Middle Ages Brewing Co. He expects the price hikes to hit around February, mostly affecting smaller, craft beers.

But wait! It gets even worse still:

Beer lovers may also soon be cursing America’s nascent love affair with a much less tasty commodity, ethanol. As the US government presses hard for huge increases in production of ethanol for use as an alternative car fuel, farmers are taking heed. Feed-stocks that can be converted into the fuel, notably corn, are being rushed on to land that was once dedicated to other crops, hops included.

One result is a 25-30 per cent spike in the cost of feed for livestock. Soy bean harvests are down too and American cattle farmers are increasingly turning to barley to help feed their animals. But brewers also need malted barley for their recipes.

Yes, you read that right. The ingredients for our precious, precious beer are being used to feed farm animals so that the farmers can waste more time, land and effort supporting an environment-killing, energy-wasting boondoggle.

Grrrr.

But hey, at least all of us are in this together. All beer drinkers will feel each other’s pain. Right?

Wrong again!

Large commercial beer makers, such as Anheuser-Busch and Coor’s, are not as vulnerable to the hops shortage, because they are first in line with producers because of their buying power, experts say.

So, not only will beer be getting much more expensive, but the price increases will disproportionately affect those of us who like, you know, good beer. The benighted masses who favor fizzy yellow water with no flavor won’t notice a price increase at all.

Dear sweet mother of all that is holy and pure, this is a catastrophe. The situation is so dire, I might even have to start drinking (shudder) wine.

Ok, not really.