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The Dickward Spiral
As you know, tonight is the occasion of the Iowa Caucuses, in which the residents of a small, flat, backwards state filled with bible-thumping white people will get to decide who runs the entire country for the next four years. The caucus is a noble and honorable electoral tradition, a tribute to the majesty of the democratic process and zzzzzzzzz…
What? Sorry about that. I’m having a difficult time deciding who to support for President, primarily due to my heartfelt belief that they’re all a bunch of dicks. But I have to vote for one of them, so in an effort to learn more about their political positions, I researched them on the Interwebs, courtesy of my new favorite website: Dickipedia, a Wiki of Dicks.
Not surprisingly, the worst dicks profiled on the site are all Republicans, with the notable exception of Hillary. I eagerly await profiles of Barack “Let’s Invade Pakistan” Obama, as well as both of The Johns, “Ambulance Chaser” Edwards and “Baghdad is Safer than Indiana” McCain.
I suppose I should feel despondent over the fact that, out of the roughly 150 million people eligible to run for the most powerful office on the planet, this collection of dicks is the best we could do. Luckily, however, I’m drunk.
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