For the past several years, a favorite annual ritual of mine has been to read and dissect the ranking and relative (de)merits of those individuals in The Buffalo Beast’s 50 Most Loathsome Americans list. Every installment is a treasure chest of hilarious, spiteful mockery, directed at those sewer-swimming politicians, celebrities, pundits, and assorted cultural vampires who so richly deserve it. To paraphrase the late, great Bill Hicks: they are demons from Hell, sent here to Earth to lower the standards. The Beast calls them on it.

However, I have a major problem with 2007’s list: the curious absence of 2006’s winner, John McCain. Not only did he not repeat as Most Loathsome, he missed the Top 50 entirely! If his behavior in 2006 was so unspeakably loathsome (and it was), his actions last year were even more so, from defending the disastrous war authored by his one-time hated rival George W. Bush to his ludicrous assertion that Baghdad streets are “safe for Americans” to walk on and his subsequent April Fool’s Day stroll through the marketplace:

On the heels of those narrow-scope photos came reports of what McCain’s entourage was actually comprised of. That “safe” Baghdad market had been flooded with more than one hundred battle-ready troops and armored Humvees. Three Blackhawk helicopters and two Apache attack helicopters roared overhead, and sharpshooters were posted on the surrounding rooftops. Simply put, McCain’s “safe” street was one overly loud mouse-fart away from being paved with flaming lead during every step of that little walk.

To compound the calamity, a report emerged two days later describing the abduction and slaughter of 21 Iraqis who worked in the marketplace McCain’s mini-Normandy force had stormed the previous Sunday, an obvious act of retribution for his visit by a violent Baghdad militia. Already belied by the revealed firepower he brought along, McCain’s “safe” walk in Iraq led directly to yet another horrific Baghdad bloodbath. There is bad, there is awful, and then there is this thing, this quantum singularity of ignominy that bends the very light now shining upon it.

Call it farce, call it folly, condemn it for its drenching hypocrisy and the mortal consequences suffered by 21 innocent people. One must also see this, in the end, as a true American tragedy of historic proportions.

I’m sorry, Buffalo Beast. For this egregious failure to fully take into account John McCain’s complete and utter douchitude, you must be punished… and there’s only one punishment commensurate with your sins. That’s right, you’re about to be on the business end of a

PRAYER ASSAULT!

I’m sorry to have to do that, but you brought it on yourselves. Perhaps you’ll be constructive and use this as a learning experience. After all, McCain has already provided you with plenty of fodder for 2008’s list, dropping his one remaining principled stance by voting to allow the CIA to torture. And with 2007’s winners, George Bush and Dick Cheney (the Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine of American politics) shuffling off to retirement soon, he should have the field all to himself…

Unless Crazy Mike Huckabee somehow snags the Republican nomination, of course.