SemiConscious Dot Org

If you’re like us, you spend your free time twitching with barely-contained glee at the thought The Rapture’s imminent onset. Lo, what an glorious day that will be, when Jesus returns to earth to burn the wicked to a cinder with his fiery laser breath. But as awesome as it is to think about all the Athei-femi-lib-homo-slamic-vega-fascists who will burn in Hell forever for their hideous, unforgivable crime of not believing in Christ’s undying love, there remains the disturbing possibility that some people you don’t want to see punished will be – namely, your friends and relatives!

After The Rapture begins, the Two Minute Warning on their immortal souls will have officially passed, and they will be Out Of Time Outs. If only there were some way for you to warn them that they should stop believing in Reason or Free Will or whatever ooga-booga false gods they worship, and defect to Team Jesus toot sweet! But, being a Christian, you’ll already be in Heaven! However could you get a message to them?

Why, how about via email?

The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the “tribulation period” after the “Rapture”...Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made.

“WHY” is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

As thrilled as we obviously are at the concept of being able to email our wayward acquaintances after we’ve been magically floated off to Heaven, we do admit to a lingering question or two: for instance, who will actually send the emails? Since the folks running this website are no doubt Christians, they’ll be on the first shuttle off this rock. Will the server room be manned by some sort of “RaptureBot,” equipped with a temperature gauge and air pollution meter? As soon as they ambient room temperature tops 500 degrees and/or the level of brimstone in the air tops 20 parts per million, the robot will click “Send?” And who will be sitting around checking their email, post-Rapture? Will there actually be any electricity, or will the global societal breakdown cause widespread power outages or…

Whoops! That was close. For a second there, we were starting to succumb to the Demons of Doubt, Logic, and Critical Thought! This isn’t a time for Logic; it’s a time for Faith. We’ll leave those pesky questions to the folks at You’ve Been left Behind. And at $40 per year per person, they’ll surely have the resources to iron out the details. Glory!

(Yet another link via the damp, fetid brainpan of Dr. Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim)