The End of an Error
Ha! You probably thought this was a post about Bush leaving office in January. No, the error of which we speak tonight has been in existence far longer than DubYa’s doomed, stupid disaster of a Presidency. Our good friend Cardinal Ugenesis alerts us to the demise of an American legend:
The brand was then hailed as a marketing coup, an ingenious way to sell beer—or rather, a clear, beerlike solution—to consumers who eschewed traditional suds. But virtually overnight, Zima was done in by its medicinal taste and girly-man rep: After selling an astounding 1.3 million barrels in 1994, the year it went national, Zima’s sales fell to just 403,000 barrels in 1996.
Many drinkers assume that Zima vanished shortly thereafter and has since existed solely as a punch line. But Zima actually survived for more than another decade, until MillerCoors pulled the plug on Oct. 10. Rarely has such a famously maligned product enjoyed such a lengthy run—a testament to its brewers’ Madonna-like knack for reinvention. The Zima that died a quiet death last month bore little resemblance to the malternative that swept the nation during President Clinton’s first term.
(snip)
For a brand that was selling tens of thousands of barrels per year up to the bitter end, Zima’s demise has inspired surprisingly little anguish among its fans.
This online petition aims to send 1 million signatures to MillerCoors headquarters; as of this writing, it’s just 999,947 names short of that ambitious goal.
There are surely more than 53 Zima lovers in America, and many of them are doubtless male. But that’s a love that dare not speak its name.
It’s worth noting that, in the week since this article appeared in a web-based magazine available all over the world, the number of signers to the Bring Back Zima petition has risen to the dizzying total of…407. Just 999,593 more emasculated girlyboys iconoclastic rebels to go!
So pour out a forty for the late, great Zima. Or better yet, just pour out the rest of the Zima. Please. For the love of God.
(That goes for you too, Nate. Don’t think I don’t know about the secret stash in your basement.)
Finally, someone to join me in Pop Culture Hell, along with Rick Astley and the cast of American Carol.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:00 pmSo Aaron, I’m pretty sure I shared this story with you about being over on Vinalhaven when we were at UMaine and going out in the boat with Chuckie, my sister’s ex? When I hear “Zima” I think of this episode. Sometime around 1992 or 93, Chuckie and I are putting around between North Haven and Vinalhaven in his outboard. With very red, glassy eyes. We pull up at the dock of some little boathouse with nothing else around but the channel and the trees and a couple of Chuck’s friends come down. So Chuck reaches back into his cooler and pulls out a couple of Zimas, hands them on up. One of these guys, skinny, chain-smoking fella that looks like he’s made of dried beef, looks out appraisingly at the bottle from beneath the greasy bill of his cap , cracks it open, and downs a good, long swaller. He takes another look at the bottle, then looks at Chuck and me. Then, the line that will live with me for the rest of my days:
“Zima, huh? Why that’s some good!”
Ayuh. Some good. Some good indeed.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:12 pmBy gurry I was the one who started the petition!
LONG LIVE ZIMA!
December 5th, 2008 at 4:57 pmOkay, you slimy people, you made me go Google this “beverage”. Wow. Makes me glad that I don’t imbibe alcoholic beverages, else I would have been one of the 60%+ of beer drinkers who’d experienced this abomination. Somedays being a teetotaler is more fun than being a drinker. And the day everybody had to try Zima sounds like one of them. (The day after the drinker got blind staggering drunk is another of them, since us teetotalers are busy smirking while you’re clinging to your porcelain throne demanding that someone remove the dagger from behind your eyeball).
December 11th, 2008 at 11:59 pm– Badtux the Laughing Penguin